She Comes First- Healthy Outlook on Sex & Touch

I walked into the library to pick up a book “She Come First”, a book I have been recommending to clients, friends and intimates…but I realize it was time to read it. I get to the counter and the woman looks at me, I tell her I have a book on hold, she seems like she is having problems walking over to get the book. She takes a look at the title, and she pauses, she turns it cover side down, she doesn’t look at me at all. It is as if I feel shame or some kind of intense emotion coming from her as she slides it across the counter to me…no words, no looking up…almost like “don’t remind me of this”. 

It made me think…if we all had a healthy sex life with ourselves and with another or others, if we gauged sex as healthy, normal, a way of being healthy in the world…whether you are poly or monogamous…just that sex is healthy, safe, honoring, enjoyable, blissful, opening, healing, ecstatic, joyous and a celebration of life to share with ourself and another being…and if sex didn’t have to be a scary place of pain and violence, but a place to be held, loved, adored, stroked sweetly, or with consent more aggressively, nourishing, uplifting, connected with no negative aggression or being treated like a piece of meat or a thing or a hole to be used and thrown away afterward…if we were to all…men and women alike, honored each other, cherished each other…saw and felt sex as a whole world of healthy, safe and loving…how different this world would be. 

Would people have as many health problems, would we have the obesity levels that we do, the anger at the opposite sex, which makes it hard to be intimate with them…if that is your sex of choice to be with sexually, would we have so much anxiety, shoving down emotions when it comes to intimacy, would we have so much PTSD from rape and sexual violence…I think our world would be a different place if we were raised that sex is good, healthy, loving, honoring, an thing to be cherished…even if were amongst friends, lovers, partners. We might even have sex in marriages years into in a healthy form as then we could talk about more of what our wants and desires are…have fantasies come true, expand in our communication about our needs and desires. Instead of the fear that “if I enjoy this I’m bad”, “if I ask for what I want he will think”…. “If I really let go she might…”, “if I tell her/him I have this fantasy, it might mean….”….fear kills sex, feeling unsafe kills sex, love, intimacy.

I’d love to see a world that sees sex as healthy, even if that means only with ourselves. I was raised to believe the self pleasuring was bad…it took me years to unwind that…and it’s one of the things I love to teach now as of how many obstacles that were in my way. And I am still working through stuff around sex and sexuality, I don’t know many that don’t have something to work on around this topic of sex. 

When has all touch become sexual. This is why I love facilitating cuddling or conscious touch classes or massage classes….as not all touch is sexual. 

I know when I came to LA and started doing massage, how many men only got touched when they had sex, so they thought if I was going to massage them it was going to be sexual…I had to teach them…touch is touch, it can be sensual, it can be therapeutic, and both, and it doesn’t have to lead to anything, touch is just touch. It is what both people want to do with it is what we make of it…but both have to be on board.

I recently have had a beautiful encounter with a lovely being that all we did was caress, and touch, and enjoy the movement and caresses and the rolling around of each others bodies…it was some beautiful sexual play without the sex or intercourse…but it was very much intimate and like making love…without the penetration.

I dream of a day that touch and sex are seen as two different things and that sex is uplifted, honored and cherished in a loving way and that all beings are honored for being who they are around sex…even if that means A sexual. I pray for the day that people see sex as healthy, sacred, fun, playful, loving, expansive, intimate…and to unite in it only when both parties, or more, are a HELL YES! And I dream of seeing how having a healthy outlook on life will make us all healthier in our lives, bodies and thoughts.