Truth

Truth I’ve been coaching couples for years and I support them into speaking their truth to teach other, even when it is hard. And what is amazing, is when truth is spoken well, and people learn how to listen well, things can be worked out more smoothly and peace and love shows up in their relationship and intimacy grows!

And…. Most people believe that telling a lie is OK, as long as they feel like you’re protecting the other person. But the real truth is you’re only protecting yourself. Even if you’ve done something horrible and you do not want to share it with your partner or your friend because you’re scared of hurting them. You’re really scared of getting in trouble or being hurt yourself or losing that person out of your life. I mean, really, if you didn’t want to hurt them you wouldn’t have done what you did, yes? You did it for you, so you are protecting you. Protecting you even in saying “I’m not happy” or “something is off and I didn’t know how to say it so I did this”.

I know many say speaking the truth is hard. But it isn’t once you know how. When you know HOW to actually speak the truth, it lands a lot better and the person may still stay in your life I forgive you. But the fact is we all need to learn the way to speak truth our to people. Most of us are taught that little white lies or not saying anything is OK.

But those are the things that get us in trouble and all of our relationships. Think about it, if you actually told your best friend that you didn’t call them last night because you were crying your eyes out over something, or on a hot date with a guy/girl, or you needed alone time…this would grow trust in your relationship. People will feel it when you lie and it will come between you one day. And if it was one of those examples I shared, they can have compassion or celebrate with you.

In your intimate relationships or your deep friendships, or any relationship for that matter. Why not just speak your truth. “I was late because I’m just a late person and I have no concept of time”. Because then at least the person knows you have no concept of time and to show up always 15-20 minutes late because you do. Or, “I was late as I got so engrossed in the book I was reading and didn’t set an alarm to leave on time”…instead of “there was traffic”…which may or may not be true.

Or if you had an affair with someone, tell your partner (in a conscious loving way or with a coach), because the fact is they’re probably going to feel it or find out one day anyway. And if you tell them instead of them finding out, guess what, it’s going to feel much better than them coming from you, then coming from the neighbor.

We need to all stop hiding behind false pretenses and trying to “keep them safe”. All you’re doing is keeping you safe. But are you really safe? Because you’re always fearful of being found out. And that’s not an easy way to live. I’ve seen this ruin couples lives. A secret or lie they have held onto for 20 years, the other person finds out and the relationship falls apart…because it has been in the dark for so long and all trust was destroyed with they found out from someone else. Without trust there is no relationship…without truth there is no foundation to build a relationship on.

Having always wonder if they’re gonna find out or having to hold it inside is very stressful.

And then turn it around, what would happen if you found out your friend or partner lied to you? How would that feel to you? Would it be OK with you to find out the truth through somebody else? Or would you rather hear it from them? Are you one of those people that thinks that “it won’t hurt me if I don’t know”. Well, maybe you are one of those people. But how does that bring you and your partner or your friend closer? If you can’t speak your truth, then why be in that relationship? That’s my question.

Intimacy

Intimacy starts long before even kissing or touching someone. It starts with energy…how you feel when you see your partner, if you really let them see you, and feel where you are. Do you let them see you are hurting, angry or outrageously joyous? Intimacy can start with a look, the way you move your body, how you eat your food while looking at them.

And intimacy starts long before the clothes come off, in fact, I’d say 90% of intimacy is with our clothes on and how we connect…share, touch, laugh, and cry with each other…on the phone, in person. Intimacy is how much we allow ourselves to be seen in the moment, feel into each other, this can be with a friend, lover and even pet.

Sometimes we can go deep with no words at all and sometimes with the deepest, truest words we’ve ever shared with someone. I have witnessed people crack wide open because their partner has shared their deepest truth with them.

How willing are you to be seen and felt in all of you? Share what you really want and need? Connect heart to heart. Some of the most intimate times in my life have been silent- in dance, eye gazing, caressing and then the complete opposite of share my heart completely verbally.

I was talking to someone the other day, about relationship and s*x and she said “people don’t usually talk about this topic. It is like it is forbidden”, she was relieved to be talking about it. She is right, so many don’t talk about it, and it is time for us to talk about the hard stuff, the “forbidden stuff”, as what is hidden grows mold and gets bigger, and when we shed light on it, start talking about it even a little bit, it can start to heal. Our fears get less big instead or grow huge, our dreams can get bigger instead of die inside of us. Our intimate lives can get better instead of shrink inside of us. How intimate are you willing to be with the people in your life?

Many people feel Tantra is all about s*x, when really I see it as a path to intimacy, connection, authenticity and it is a spiritual practice of being in the moment and being present with what is…I’d say this is intimacy, with self and others.