Abuse in the World, Outing, She Said and when I started to leave Tantra and Why

I just finished watching She Said…the story about Weinstein and how these 2 reporters gathered information from many women about the abuse Weinstein did over decades of being in the business.

All the steps, all the gentleness, spaciousness and persistence that it took from those reporters, and the courage of those women to tell their stories…at first off the record and then on the record.

How those NDA’s were poison. How they take away people’s voices and the fear and relief that they must have felt to have the story out there…they weren’t alone and they could breathe again.

I know about a year after that I called out a School of Tantra for the abuse that happened and the rape that happened in their school and tagged with with #metoodakas. It was powerful how many people came forth and said #metoo with daka’s too. The list was long of all the people who were abused and raped in the tantra world. I made a page where everyone could tell their stories. It was heart breaking. Women or men would go in for healing from a Daka/dakini and come away with more abuse. I know that was my situation too. I stopped going to Tantra practitioners after, not only I was abused, but the school…the owner of the school took the guys side, his employee and student saying “someone has to take that guys side”. Amongst many other horrible things he said to me. I can’t say how many comments were on that post…but there were hundreds, if not more.

Over the next few years, I was a witness in cases against some of the Daka’s in that school. It was horrifying how the courts deal with these things.

Tantra educators took that letter and used it as a way of outing people for abuse. As I used no names, I told my story and enough that people could figure out who it was from description…which is fully legal. Though the owner of the school went on and outed his student and employee.

You can’t find the letter any more and FB took down my account 4 years ago for something else. I am deeply disappointed that was lost when they took down my account. It was a great educational tool.

I am doing to admit something that I haven’t ever shared on social media. After me admitting what happened, there were a few Tantrika’s from his school that were on me to keep the anger, the pain, the rage, tearing into him…keep writing, keep posting about it. And when I didn’t, as it was exhausting, they turned on me. This whole experience was traumatizing. It was the beginning of me walking away from Tantra. I saw how unhealthy the field was. I saw how angry these women were and wanted to keep the pain alive. I just wanted to warn people, let people know what happened so it didn’t happen to them.

But what came of it was mostly some ugly attacks of me behind the scenes, losing a lot of people out of my life and me mistrusting a lot of people in the industry. I don’t regret posting that post…but man, I will say, have a team of people to support you when you call people out, as it will take everything out of you to bounce back from it. I had to purposely take time off from social media, all the messages that came in, the responses, the owner of the school and then some of his students attacking me, the people on my side judging and attacking me for not keeping the attack of him going.

So this movie brought this all up. An how I can really relate to Laura who had her voice and choice to have her name not taken away and then she had to deal with the backlash. Sure, I wrote the letter and posted it, that was my choice, but the backlash, the time taken off from work, the not knowing who to trust…even though hers was so much larger than what I went through.

I know why women stay silent, I have stayed silent for many abuses in my life, it sometimes is easier that way…though thankfully I can speak to the people close to me about those things…these women couldn’t, which is like drinking poison every day and having to live with it..that is called hell.

It was amazing to see how many women played themselves in the movie. Grateful they could…finally. Weinstein has been behind bars for only 4 years of a 23 year sentence after 82 women came forth after the initial article. I don’t think 23 years is fair for the lives he ruined, hopefully he rots in there but who knows.

Truth

Truth I’ve been coaching couples for years and I support them into speaking their truth to teach other, even when it is hard. And what is amazing, is when truth is spoken well, and people learn how to listen well, things can be worked out more smoothly and peace and love shows up in their relationship and intimacy grows!

And…. Most people believe that telling a lie is OK, as long as they feel like you’re protecting the other person. But the real truth is you’re only protecting yourself. Even if you’ve done something horrible and you do not want to share it with your partner or your friend because you’re scared of hurting them. You’re really scared of getting in trouble or being hurt yourself or losing that person out of your life. I mean, really, if you didn’t want to hurt them you wouldn’t have done what you did, yes? You did it for you, so you are protecting you. Protecting you even in saying “I’m not happy” or “something is off and I didn’t know how to say it so I did this”.

I know many say speaking the truth is hard. But it isn’t once you know how. When you know HOW to actually speak the truth, it lands a lot better and the person may still stay in your life I forgive you. But the fact is we all need to learn the way to speak truth our to people. Most of us are taught that little white lies or not saying anything is OK.

But those are the things that get us in trouble and all of our relationships. Think about it, if you actually told your best friend that you didn’t call them last night because you were crying your eyes out over something, or on a hot date with a guy/girl, or you needed alone time…this would grow trust in your relationship. People will feel it when you lie and it will come between you one day. And if it was one of those examples I shared, they can have compassion or celebrate with you.

In your intimate relationships or your deep friendships, or any relationship for that matter. Why not just speak your truth. “I was late because I’m just a late person and I have no concept of time”. Because then at least the person knows you have no concept of time and to show up always 15-20 minutes late because you do. Or, “I was late as I got so engrossed in the book I was reading and didn’t set an alarm to leave on time”…instead of “there was traffic”…which may or may not be true.

Or if you had an affair with someone, tell your partner (in a conscious loving way or with a coach), because the fact is they’re probably going to feel it or find out one day anyway. And if you tell them instead of them finding out, guess what, it’s going to feel much better than them coming from you, then coming from the neighbor.

We need to all stop hiding behind false pretenses and trying to “keep them safe”. All you’re doing is keeping you safe. But are you really safe? Because you’re always fearful of being found out. And that’s not an easy way to live. I’ve seen this ruin couples lives. A secret or lie they have held onto for 20 years, the other person finds out and the relationship falls apart…because it has been in the dark for so long and all trust was destroyed with they found out from someone else. Without trust there is no relationship…without truth there is no foundation to build a relationship on.

Having always wonder if they’re gonna find out or having to hold it inside is very stressful.

And then turn it around, what would happen if you found out your friend or partner lied to you? How would that feel to you? Would it be OK with you to find out the truth through somebody else? Or would you rather hear it from them? Are you one of those people that thinks that “it won’t hurt me if I don’t know”. Well, maybe you are one of those people. But how does that bring you and your partner or your friend closer? If you can’t speak your truth, then why be in that relationship? That’s my question.

Intimacy

Intimacy starts long before even kissing or touching someone. It starts with energy…how you feel when you see your partner, if you really let them see you, and feel where you are. Do you let them see you are hurting, angry or outrageously joyous? Intimacy can start with a look, the way you move your body, how you eat your food while looking at them.

And intimacy starts long before the clothes come off, in fact, I’d say 90% of intimacy is with our clothes on and how we connect…share, touch, laugh, and cry with each other…on the phone, in person. Intimacy is how much we allow ourselves to be seen in the moment, feel into each other, this can be with a friend, lover and even pet.

Sometimes we can go deep with no words at all and sometimes with the deepest, truest words we’ve ever shared with someone. I have witnessed people crack wide open because their partner has shared their deepest truth with them.

How willing are you to be seen and felt in all of you? Share what you really want and need? Connect heart to heart. Some of the most intimate times in my life have been silent- in dance, eye gazing, caressing and then the complete opposite of share my heart completely verbally.

I was talking to someone the other day, about relationship and s*x and she said “people don’t usually talk about this topic. It is like it is forbidden”, she was relieved to be talking about it. She is right, so many don’t talk about it, and it is time for us to talk about the hard stuff, the “forbidden stuff”, as what is hidden grows mold and gets bigger, and when we shed light on it, start talking about it even a little bit, it can start to heal. Our fears get less big instead or grow huge, our dreams can get bigger instead of die inside of us. Our intimate lives can get better instead of shrink inside of us. How intimate are you willing to be with the people in your life?

Many people feel Tantra is all about s*x, when really I see it as a path to intimacy, connection, authenticity and it is a spiritual practice of being in the moment and being present with what is…I’d say this is intimacy, with self and others.

Relationship Contracts

Relationship Contracts So many want certain things in relationship and they don't talk about them, they may do those things in secret. What I invite is to talk about everything you desire, put it out there and see how you can work those things out together. The video got cut off...but it captured what I needed to say. If you have questions feel free to ask below!

Look Mom No Hands- My Self Pleasuring Journey

Everyone has their own journey to self pleasuring…and as I speak to people it shows me how different we are all in our paths to it and to how we came to pleasure also, especially women.

As I spoke to a friend the other day, sharing my story I realized, from her response, it was time to share mine. When I was quite young I remember touching myself and loving it. I did it quite often, I didn’t think anything of it, it felt wonderful, so I did it as often as I liked. Then one day it changed, my mother had told me to not touch myself as I’d be less sensitive when I got older. As a child and an obedient child, not knowing any better, I did what I was told. I stopped touching myself. But that did not stop me from having pleasure.

I realized very soon after that, as soon as I’d pee or pooped there was high sensation “down there”, it tingled and it felt good. So, I’d go to my room afterward, lay on my belly and squeeze and release my pelvic floor muscles until my body was all sweaty and I’d have a pleasure pour through my body. As an adult I see this as I kageled my way to climax! I thought “look mom, no hands”! This was my new way to pleasure myself. I even remember passing my brothers doorway once and he was doing the same thing…not knowing there was anything “wrong” or “shameful” about it, I said “hey, I do that too”! He leapt up full of shame and told me to get out. In my early 20’s I started therapy for s*xual abuse. Self pleasuring and climax came up in one of our sessions and she recommended for me to buy a vibrator. I’d never thought about that, I don’t even think I knew what one was. But I took a friend and we went off to a s*x shop. The person showed me all kinds of things, it was fascinating and I LOVED IT! I chose a long, slinder, medium sized and purple vibrator! I realized I loved being in that shop, wheres my girlfriend was all embarrassed.

I felt shy, but it lit me up, like it was a place I was meant to be in some way. I didn’t understand it, I just knew I loved the feeling. It was a story I started taking all of my friends, getting to know all the toys, even if we didn’t buy anything. I was able to tell them how things worked then, which I loved. I’d say I started self pleasuring often. My feet were cold at night and I learned if I used my vibrator I'd not only get pleasure, but my feet would warm up. So it became a nightly experience. I did try to touch myself with my hands from time to time, but just before I’d get to climax, my hand would always freeze up and I couldn't finish. It was so frustrating I wouldn’t try for another year or more. A girlfriend told me she couldn’t climax with a vibrator, so I told her I'd show her sometime how to do it. One day we were just laying around talking and things went quiet, and I knew where her vibrator was, I turned and got it out of the drawer, over her clothes I put it between her legs, lightly, I watched her facial expressions, sounds, her face change colors and I started pulling it a little farther away and BOOM she sounded, signed, smiled, sweated and looked at me with happy relief, “how did you do that?” I told her the trick…to make it lighter as you get my stimulated and then climax could come. (Mind you I called it orgasm back then, I didn’t realize there was a difference, but there is. Climax wasn’t part of my vocabulary for another 2 decades).

When I was in my early 30’s one of my friends introduced me to a Hitachi, a girls best friend really! Well, I have to say, I LOVED IT, and my friend saw that and she gave it to me as she never used that one any more…she had a huge assortment of toys. I gratefully took it home and it was my solo pleasure friend for many many years…a few decades actually! They aren't made the same these days, but man I keep trying to find one that is like the original…it was heaven! I learned with this beautiful tool not to put it right on my clit, but to put fabric…my favorite was jean material. So I'd put on some jeans and have my fun! And it kept my clit nice and safe from being desensitized too! A win win!

As I got older and especially once I was self employed, working in my own home I’d self pleasure 3-4-5+ times a day. I’d get happy, I'd want to celebrate and I’d be sad, I’d want to boost my mood. Even when I was an even keel mood, I’d want to then too, and so I did! It became part of my life. And it made me remember when I was back in therapy and I was recommended this book, these women talked about how they would masturbate 1-5 times a day daily. I thought “what? Really? Why? That takes so much time! How did they get anything else done? Why?” Well, I now know why…it feels good. And I had the same question posed to me the other day, “how do you have the time for that”? Well, first of all, how do we not all make the time for this? And really, even being an energetic, it takes minutes sometimes, other times hours…it just depends on mood and time!

When I hit my early 30’s I went to my first Tantra class and she told us our homework was to go home and self pleasure, with our hands, in different positions, use different strokes and really, I was not happy about it, but as a good student I knew I would. So one night, I set up the space, music, candle light, incense, and I started to touch myself all over, I found new ways of touching myself, different positions I’d never even thought to be in, my body heated up beautifully and it was so sensual and hot…and just at the point of climax, my hand froze up again. I was disappointed, frustrated and well, a little angry I couldn't finish. I lay there feeling my body tingling, happy that I’d gotten that far though and felt so much, and wondered why I didn’t try this more often, even if I couldn’t get off. I made it my intention to do this more often. As that was a lovely evening of the most pleasure I’d ever given myself before. And my vibrator stayed in it's box, until it was over anyway!

I wouldn’t say I did that kind of long session of self pleasuring often, even it if was my intention, as it brought up so much frustration to not be able to finish with my own hands. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t, and why my hand would do that. It took years to see it was my programming my mother had put into me not to touch myself.

I became a Tantra Educator in my early 30’s, I LOVED it! I loved teaching people about the practices, getting them into their bodies and sensuality and s*xuality. After all, I was the person since I was 16 everyone came to for their s*x questions, as my mother talked to me about it. I loved being the “go to” girl for s*x questions and now here I was teaching about meditations to open the chakras, eye gazing as a meditation, conscious touch and communication. I was in love with my work. I even taught a class on self pleasuring for women in a 7 week course and as everyone dropped in I laid down and decided to self pleasure too. One of my regular students said “And THIS is your work”! I replied “you chose real estate, I chose this! Yes it is!” The room laughed!

I had a lot of shame around not being able to climax with my hands…I chose my partners carefully, (well, except one), ones that I felt would be compassionate and caring about it, as I felt broken and I felt like a fraud teaching what I did and not being able to do what so many other women could so easily. I always felt this sense of “why would a man want to be with me when they could be with someone who worked right”. I knew it also had to do with all the trauma I'd been through, I just didn’t know how deep it was in me.

One day in my 40’s, a woman’s s*xual prime, I had been invited to a s*x conference, so I went. I found myself buying vibrators and all kinds of things for inside the vagina, which I never used, as I had 2 experiences that had them inside me that I just didn’t like. I didn’t understand what I was doing. But I was in the middle of a deep healing journey with a medicine that was supporting me to heal from trauma. The next day I heard “tomorrow, do it tomorrow”. Me talking back “I don’t want to do it tomorrow…I don’t want to do it at all”. “This is for you”.

“I can just turn off my phone for me time. I don’t have to do this drug, I don’t do drugs”. I was still in resistance to how this medicine was helping me, I was taught not to do drugs and I knew it was helping me, but yet again, another thing I had to de-program from me. As I never knew one could take the same thing people used as drugs and use them for healing. Even though I’d done my research, I’d called MAPS, I got the science behind it and knew it wasn’t a drug, I was still in resistance. “This is for you” this voice said. Frustrated… “fine, I will do it”!

Once I committed to doing it my body relaxed and I was guided to my bedroom, I got out all my s*x toys and washed them, I was lining them up on a clean towel and I thought “what am I doing? I don’t used these things”. And I kept going. There was no answer, I just knew I was to do it.

I opened ceremony, I felt I was already on it before the ceremony was ended and then I took the medicine once I was fully in the space. The chanting, toning, calling in, everything took 45 minutes to an hour. I always felt I was already on it…and I’d not even taken it until the ceremony part was done, as I wanted the medicine to fully get why I was here, what I was doing this for, so it could support me to heal. I took it and I went in and drew myself a bath. Now I won't tell you all the in’s and out’s of this night, which lasted for hours. I will say I didn’t leave my bed for hours, and I self pleasured my whole body in a way that I’d never experienced, I used all of those toys, all of my orifice’s were happily used. And my body opened up to my hands touching it. I started to climax, over and over and over again. I held my finger up above my clit by 1/4 to 1 inch and my body climaxed every few seconds for hours. I didn’t even need to touch myself. I had to take breaks as it was so tiring to have so much pleasure raging through my body so much. Touch with my fingers, no touch, my body just kept going. By the end of the night I realized my body was making up for all they years it didn’t or couldn’t climax.

All these years, 24 years after a friend who had asked me “what does a orgasm feel like to you”. I told her and she said “that isn’t an orgasm, I used to think that was, but it isn’t”. That was the moment I felt broken. As before that I had no idea my body was “supposed to do or feel anything”. But that had been all deleted in one night. I ran into that woman after this experience, told her about it and she apologized deeply for what she had said to me as it was her beliefs about her body. And she asked me to help her heal. The next morning after this very energetic and pleasure filled night I woke up fearful that it was only the medicine and I'd go back to “normal”. I grabbed my coconut oil, I touched my body and gradually went down between my legs and within minutes 5 climaxes. “I’m not broken, I am healed, I work, fuck I work and I work beautifully”, squealed and hugged myself, tears of joy streamed down my face… “I don’t have to be scared any longer of being with men, I work now”. These are the words that kept ringing in my ears. I OMed (Orgasmic Meditation) that week and my OM partner was blown away, he went over time saying “I am waiting for your body to stop climaxing”, my response “she isn't going to stop until you do”. I laughed with such much celebration in my voice as it was true. I'd never experienced anything like this.

I went on a date that weekend and I sat on his knee and this explosion of sensation with through my body. He said “that was the most vulnerable experience I'd ever had in my life”.

It was in that one night I realized that was climax, and not orgasm. Climax is in the genitals, orgasm can be in the whole body, it can be from eating delicious food, it can be touching something soft and the body responding to it. Orgasm doesn’t have to be s*xual and the word climax was brought into my vocabulary then. And one can stimulate the other, but they are 2 different things. My life changed that night, it was like a magic button had been pressed and I'd been freed. I almost quit teaching s*xuality after that as I realized “this” was the reason I came into this work, as I wanted to heal. But then I realized I had so much more to teach and so much more space to teach it in within myself. My self pleasuring practice is still very much alive. My body stayed at that heightened place for a very long time…every time it felt like something to deeply celebrate. Since then I did a 40 day self pleasuring challenge, with my hands, it turned out to be a year long challenge. I loved it, I learned a lot more about my body. I realize now I can climax or not, I just know I love pleasure, if it is pleasurable I like it and want it. It is nice to have my mind freed from any kind of goal. And I will say after this happened I thought “this is what I had so much shame about, not having this”? Yes it is. As it is a big deal when you don't have it, but when you do have it, it is just part of your life.

So….this is what I look at, I see everyone self pleasuring different, they have a different relationship with it…with or without shame, with challenges and without. You don’t have to share your story with me….but if you have a story maybe it is time to look at it. Feel into it.

I didn’t know HOW interesting mine was to others until I started telling people about it. And honestly I left some parts out, but this is the gist! I laughed when my friend called me a s*xual blueprint…as I am not that, it is my lowest of the blue prints for me, I am a highly s*xual energetic/shapeshifter/sensual!

What is your relationship to self pleasuring? Was it ok to do it in your home growing up? What were you taught about doing or not doing it? How often to you self pleasure? Do you do it when you are only in a certain mood?

On Dating.. Is it Old Fashion? Is it the New Fashion? Just ask

I have been talking to women about men lately and man we have had some great conversations. I find it interesting that many of the women are having the same experience. And that is, they meet a man, the man seems to be interested…they are attentive, they talk to them every time they see them, give them eye contact, sometimes an exchange of a touch or hugs and then nothing happens. Some women have even been told that it is in their court to make the move by men. The majority of these women are desiring men to take the initiative and ask them out. What can I say, I am not a dating coach, I am a relationship coach, it is completely different…dating is a completely different animal. I personally know what to do once in a committed relationship, it is my happy place, it is the place I love, but the dating part, that is the hard part for me now. As I come from an age where if a man is interested they asked me lunch, if that goes well and they feel I am interested in, there is dinner, a show, a movie, start meeting the friends, hikes, etc…it was easy. As everyone knew where they stood. Nowadays I read about coaches telling women to let men know they are interested. I talk to men about it and they say they LOVE it when women take the initiative and ask them out.

Now…this is ONLY my experience…every time I have initiated with a man it never goes more then a few dates. If I am patient and let the men come around to asking me out, it may go into relationship. My old fashion mind says it is because I let him chase, I let him come after me. But then I hear things from other women that say they made the first move and now they are together or married…and that is great. So far, that hasn’t been my experience. All my life if I wanted to hang out with someone, mind you much of my life I just looked at people as people and not a relationship interest, I just asked them to hang out. As I have gotten older I see this is strange for men, and even for me at times. As there seems to always be this thing in the space of someone is wondering “are they interested”? or “I am interested” instead of just enjoying the other persons company. The truth is, most all my life I have connected with men better than women, I understand them better, we have great conversations, I have fun with men, our minds are much more in sync. So this dating, non dating, friendship thing, who initiates, who doesn’t, drives me crazy. My truth is this, I miss the old days, it felt so simple, guy meets girl, guy asks girl out, girl says yes or no, one girl says yes, you go out, if it goes well, you go out again, and eventually it turns into something…there is time to get to know each other, many chances to ask questions, learn what you have in common, find out who you are actually sharing time and space with. The excitement of holding hands for the first time or the first time in public, kissing, all of that….that is wonderful. Dating now seems like a rush to the bedroom…and as much as I coach on s*xuality, and I love that aspect of life and relationship, there is something so nourishing to feel safe knowing who I’m waking up to in the morning. Just to let you know, for me personally, what I'd like is, if someone is interested, (and they live near me), just ask me out…if I am interested I will say yes. If you want to get to know each other to see if there is interest…great, let’s go for a walk or hike. I don’t know if I am s*xually attracted in anyone until I’ve talked with them at least 3 times anyway. My mind needs to be perked, stimulated, and inspired, then when that happens my heart gets engaged and then everything can open and turn on from there! When I share this with the women in my life, they can relate and they say they want to same thing. I feel like the world has done this full cycle of men initiating, then there was the female revolution where women took charge and now some women are coming back to wanting men to initiate, to be taken out and to be get to be back in their feminine and let men take the front seat again, not in everything, but at least at the beginning of dating. I don’t speak for all women or all men, I’m just saying this is from the conversations I’ve been having with women lately…if it supports you, great, if you can relate, wonderful, if you have a different reality, wonderful. And from what I can see some people feel less alone if they know they aren’t the only ones going through something…so I share my experience here so you know, if you have had this experience, you are not alone! Can you relate to this at all? If so, put Yes or a heart in the comments!

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