MY CLIMACTIC ANNIVERSARY!

Today is my 2 year Anniversary of my Climax waking up!

This is my vulnerable story, the one that I wasn’t ready to share until now. In the past few years I so wanted to speak about it, and I just couldn’t…so here I am…sharing with you, as a woman, a person, a sister, a sex educator, a tantra educator, a Goddess, a Priestess, a Warrioress, a human, someone who has lived through a lot- a thriver, a lover, a healer and so much more!

On 2/2/2016 my life changed in a BIG way…a belief I had about my sex shifted and I was shown that it just wasn’t true and with that, my sex life with myself & with others completely changed!

I had a belief since I was 22 years old that “I didn’t work right, that I was broken”, as a girlfriend of mine said, when we were talking about, what does an orgasm feel like, “that isn’t an orgasm. I used to think that was it too, but it isn’t”. Well those words, that changed my sex life, right on the spot. I believed her. From that moment I felt broken and that no one would want me if I couldn’t orgasm….which started my fear and insecurity around my sex and having sex. I went from confident and assured in my sexuality, to fearful I wouldn’t matchup to those who could orgasm.

Well, on Feb 2, 2016 I was 6 months into a deep healing process, healing with a medicine my body asked for in order to heal PTSD, and it said “today, do it today”. I was feeling great and had no interest and it said “this is for you, time for you to be with you”. I really fought it at first and then I realized it is best to listen to my inner voice. So I did it.

Something happened night I could have never have dreamed of, but I had prayed, wish and desired for so many years I had forgotten to count. And something had been preparing me for this night for at least a week as I went to a Sex Conference and bought sex toys…I had never been a huge sex toy person, as I’d had bad experiences with them the first 2 times and gave up on them in my early 20’s. Well, this evening I found myself washing all the new ones and a few that I had, just in case I wanted to try again, I laid them out and created ceremony and went in!

I have to say…after doing some mirror work, my bed called me, so did my hands, my body, the toys, my breath, and so my journey began. Saving you all the details, that night I went from feeling broken, filled with shame and embarrassment over my lack of being able to climax, to in one night of having hundreds…sometimes my finger would just hover above my clit and the climaxes would just come, over and over again, seconds apart from each other. I was sweaty, my bed was drenched and worn out and still I had to see if my body would do it again, and again. It did, from every orifice from my body! One, then another, then blended and then…oh my, I lost count and track of anything and everything. My whole body woke up with my clit, my climax and I was blown away! Everything I believed was gone…my body showed me…it just wasn’t true!

All the shame and embarrassment I’d been sitting with the 14 years before, being a Tantra Educator and not being able to climax, my dirty little secret, the hiding it…it was time to let it all go. I was in shock and thrilled beyond belief.…I wanted to scream it at the top of the roof that I wasn’t broken, that I worked and I could climax! This not being able to climax, ran my life…I stopped having sex, heaven forbid anyone ever found out that a Tantra Educator couldn’t climax, except for with an external vibrator or maybe from time to time on a rare occasion with a partner. To now know “I worked”, “I wasn’t broken”, I hadn’t felt that in 24 years…it has been living me and now I had no use for it….I felt free!

I woke up the next morning fearful it was just the medicine…it was not…I still “worked”, I had 3 easy climaxes in less then 5 minutes. WOW! And then 3 days later to find out I could have a 20 minute climax blended orgasm just by rubbing on my dates leg…well, that was huge for me, I’d never had that happen before…but then to Om three days after that and the climaxes kept coming…sometimes 5+ in one 15 minute period of time. To climax this easy with another person…when most of my life I barely did it at all, I could breathe, it felt like freedom and I was flying high on it. It was as if I had been holding my breath all my life and the oxygen had been put back into my lungs!

I felt that night by body was making up for all the climaxes I didn’t have in my life, and the next day, the next month in my next journey and then my body balanced out, it is as if my body needed to catch up…and then it became “normal” and I didn’t need to do hundreds of climaxes in one night, though that was the most powerful thing I had ever felt in my body to this day!

The amazing thing is that my body could do full body orgasms, anal orgasms and vaginal orgasms, but not climaxes before that night with my own hands and with partners…and I felt I still couldn’t let anyone know and be at peace with this…this was my “dirty little secret”. It kept me out of relationship for years. I also felt when I was in relationship that he may leave me for a woman who “worked right”…who climaxed, back then I called it orgasm. It brought in a lot of insecurity, even though all my partners were completely dedicated, loved and adored me and loved pleasuring me. Though one boyfriend had a challenging time with it, his ego was hurt by it, “why couldn’t I come with him?”…which caused me more pain…but it wasn’t him…my body just wasn’t ready yet. And so it waited til it was! And what a day, month and year that was! One of the biggest blessings of my life…though truth be told, after 3 months I wondered what the stress was all about…as a climax was just this explosive thing in a very focused area of my body between my legs, whereas orgasm was in my whole body, which I’d been experiencing for yeard, and I’d already been having vaginal orgasms for 16 years at that point…but it brought peace to me, and that I am grateful for.

I then after that night I had to get rid of the habit of the shame and embarrassment and fear of “what if” I didn’t climax….a word I NEVER used before that night and that was the night I realized the difference between orgasm and climax…and they will never be the same for me. And I’m thrilled to be still opening and healing the mental part of this all…especially being in the sex industry…but my work completely changed after that…it went into pleasure and teaching women how to self pleasure and open to more pleasure with themselves and a partner, something I was scared of talking about before, fearful I’d be “found out”, possibly be seen as a fraud, as that is how I felt, as I somehow equated if I could climax, I was a real sex educator, which so isn’t true I see now…and now, pleasure is my life’s work, which consists of healing, feeling, connecting in, self love, allowing for the erotic to live  and breathe in us, communication and so much more!

What was wild was the woman who told me that “that isn’t an orgasm”, I went to her after my awakening and told her about it…and she said “Wow, that is exactly how I feel about my body and myself. Please help heal me”? I felt the pain in her and I got how she transferred her pain to me, and I had accepted it, in all my innocence, not knowing any difference.

I have learned a lot about my body, my climax, my clit even more deeply-what she wants and needs, how to feel her better and listen to her, how she works, the energy I’m holding or if I am with a partner, the energy they are holding with her. She is not goal oriented and if she is touched that way, well, she shuts down…though an open heart and a caring person to just be with her and listen to her…she is happy, connects and comes alive!

So I celebrate this day 2/2…which when I was young meant your pee pee..which I call my yoni now. I only put that together as a friend had called me that day and left a message saying “it’s two two” on my phone and it made so much sense my sex would open on this day! 

I understand the pain and frustration, of feeling broken, and so much around this…and I figure if I can shift it and break through to the other side, so can anyone…with all the sexual trauma of my past, starting at age 3 or 4 years old, ending in my 40’s, let me say, anything is possible! And I hold that for every person on this earth. Pleasure is our divine right, whether we climax or not…to just feel pleasure and allow and see what wants to birth out of us!

So today, 2 years after my waking up, on 2/2 I share this with you! It is vulnerable and exposing, and I know it is time to be seen, show myself and let you know of my journey and maybe, just maybe it will support yours as well!

Thank you for reading, big love to you!

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