A Healing Time

I went to a healer this week….there was something in me that I needed to get out and I knew I just couldn’t do it myself. Sometimes I just need space held for me to go deeper in my healing.
He asked “what do you need”.
“I need you to put your hands on the back of my heart and sacrum”.
I had a bit of idea of what might happen and of course I had what thought might happen after that part. But there wasn’t much “after that part”.

I got on the massage table, he placed his hands where I wanted him and the tears came..they poured, it was as if something just reached inside me and pressed the flood button…the face cradle was drenched within 15 minutes, to the point it needed to be changed for a more absorbent one. And the snot that just drained from my face was immense.
I flashed to the first time I was sexually abused…the words that started to come in:
“It’s ok” - my brain didn’t understand why I was saying it was ok…but after more deep tears I realized it was something saying to me it was ok to feel it…and feel it I did.

Then the words “I’m sorry came in”. I was even more baffled…why am “I” sorry, I didn’t do anything wrong, he did”. After a bit I said to the healer “can you say, ‘I’m sorry’”, and he started to say it over and over again…the tears came more and more. More downloads…some in a small little voice of even me being sorry that I couldn’t be the better daughter and enjoy his abuse and be a “good little girl”.

I was being flashed to every major abuse in my life…from the first one to the last, to the painful events of 2012 that about killed me, to the pain of so many experiences of my life…losing people out of my life…and with each one more tears, it is like my heart’s pain was bursting out and needed to be witnessed in it.

And then the next words “I’m sorry I hurt you” to be repeated. More intense emotions came through from childhood to adulthood.
My body started to tense, the anger started to come through when I thought of when my used to be best friend was giving me a sacred spot session abused his rights as a practitioner…and my body flushed with anger and my body twisted and tensed and this voice came through “do you want to hang on to the anger”? The confusion in my body went from anger to sad to anger…and my body was both at one time…it was going through the process it needed to go through to get to it’s answer….and then the words “I forgive you” came in…yes…that is what I want… and then feeling it I wondered “how do we ever truly know we forgive”? It felt foreign in that moment..I couldn’t understand it. I asked the healer “how do we actually know we have forgiven”? He said “I don’t know”.

More nose blowing, eye wiping….I kept feeling into forgiveness….the desire for it for myself and everyone in my life…in that moment it felt like it got really close and then far away and then close again. I kept saying to each face that came up, “I forgive you”, especially to that last best friend experience…that left me so hurt and so in darkness after it happened…I had the most anger with him. I have only had one healing session with a man since then, as I’d stopped trusting men as healers and that was only in recent months. But I really got I hadn’t had anyone do any work with that experience…as I feared more abuse being put in…and I knew it was time and my spirit chose this man to hold space.

The healer had gone to my hands which brought up other emotions, to my feet and legs, which felt soothing. I eventually sat up and asked for his hands to be on the front and back of my heart. That is when my session was done. 40 minutes of pure tears, emotions, release…right before leaving to see my family…thank goodness..I needed that!

I was too wiped out to move after that, I laid down for 45 minutes integrating until my body started to have a “normal” thought pop in, then I realized I was done.

I drank so much water throughout the session and after…and I released a lot of fluid out my face…so I was replacing it all.
As the healer and I shared I said to him “a healer doesn’t need to do much for me to heal, if they know how to hold space and if I feel safe, my body just does all the work from the inside out. Thank you”. He said “may I quote you on that?”. We laughed, I believe he was a bit blown away as he was used to “doing” stuff for healing to happen and he just followed my direction the whole session and all came out.

It was the most powerful healing session I have had in years…and I am grateful for it.

The next day I felt like I’d been emptied out, I felt my power come back into my body that had been hibernating. Just in time! It has really supported me with my family and another situation. It is good to feel like me again…to have honored all those emotions and experiences and to release them all. To allow my heart freedom again and the heal and to honor myself in it’s healing process. I sometimes just can’t do it alone…and I’m grateful I didn’t. My heart feels more peaceful and at ease now…and I’m excited for my next session too!