The Past Few Days with Family

What a journey this week has been…from deep healing before I got up here to Portland to the last 12 hours before I got here when my brother and I shared some deep truths with each other…which I felt was so opening and healing for us! And though we didn’t see eye to eye, it felt good to have it all out in the open. I placed some boundaries and he didn’t like, I am ok with that. I know family doesn’t usually like boundary setting, especially since we weren’t raised with them.

It is especially hard to be up here, not just because packing up my mother and putting her in assisted living is challenging, knowing she can’t take care of herself any more…but it is the personal challenges between my brother and I, over the years he has become this angry, overpowering brother that likes to dominate and I am not someone who likes to be overpowered or dominated in that way and anger, well it doesn’t sit well with me when I haven’t done anything to deserve it. And it is who he is now. And that is why I laid down boundaries, which he didn’t like, I got a book of judgements back from him, which weren’t true, but the beautiful thing is by the end of it, we both agreed that we didn’t understand each other. And I felt it was very healing for us to be able to share so honestly before I got up here as then we could be done with it!

It is interesting as in my life at home, many times when I place boundaries my friends come back with “thank you for taking care of yourself”, which I love from cuddling rules. I wish we were all trained with this response from when we were children!

In the first 24 hours I did have to implement my boundaries…and it worked beautifully, it felt empowering!

Since I have been here I have gotten my mothers office..including ALL of her paperwork gone through, except the stuff she has to go through….some stuff, as a kid to a parent, you just don’t want to know about your parent, even though you know it is there. I have gotten through all of her clothes and drawers and dining room area and closets….that was a BIG work day!

Friday my brother mentioned taking some days off to rest, I was not happy about it at first, as I extended my stay to help, but Saturday I woke up and as I worked I realized it was the best thing for him to go…he wasn’t helping me by being there and he was actually slowing me down by talking to mom, and he had nothing to do on the weekend here, he wanted to leave Monday and so when he came over I said “I want you to go home now, go spend time with your wife, rest and I’d love it if you came back on Tuesday to help get thing to Salvation Army and have family time”. He stood there in surprise, he wanted to be happy but something in him wouldn’t let him register it in himself…he just wasn’t expecting it. He said “I wasn’t even thinking of leaving this early, I don’t know, I have to see if it works”. He called his wife and when I went out to see him to see what was happening he was glowing…we had a 3 way conversation on the phone, got all the details of what needed to happen to have this work…my brother was grateful…a side I don’t see in him often…THAT felt so good. I knew it was the right thing for both of us…it was a win win!

Saturday was a full on 8 hour day. By Sunday I was wiped out, my patience were fried…I am an introvert. I am not used to being around someone, or 2 some ones that talk all the time, which is exhausting for me. And I have learned my mother has no problem asking for what she wants, whenever she wants…like asking for ice at 2:30am. I was pretty worn down from being on 24 hours a day for a few days and working and no space to work with my emotions. So I went dancing and got to see friends at dance and afterward…which felt like a true gift!

Last night I was so wiped out, that mom and I cuddled, watched a show together and then I got the house and her ready for bed and I passed out and finally I got 8 hours sleep, first time in 4 nights! Oh I so needed that! Now I have 2 days to do the rest! I am grateful for the time I had away, the space to feel and move and breathe and for the cuddles and soft down time with my mother, hearing about our family and the stories…I want more of that!

Talking about Sex with My Mother

Yesterday my mother asks “Heather, so it doesn’t bother you to talk about sex with people”?
“No mom, I love it. To support others to have a great sex life and deepen their intimacy, that is the best! Nothing better than that! In fact if it wasn’t for you I might not be doing what I do. What I remember you talking to me about as a kid and teen is sex, sexuality, our first sex talks in 3rd grade, 5th grade, 8th grade and then your non stop talking of sex once you got a sex life when I was 16 years old. That is what I remember us talking about.”
“We talked about other things too, not just about sex”
“It is what I remember, it is what stood out for me, I don’t remember talking about much else, except family stuff”.
She was surprised by this.

Truth is…I don’t remember us talking about much else, and I know because of her giving me full permission to ask her anything I wanted, I did. So in 3rd grade I asked her… “ok mom…so I know the boy gets on top of the girl and moved up and down, but what happens”?
Her response… “go grab a pad of paper, a pen and get your brother”!
“My brother, no!”
“I’ve already had this conversation with him and he might be able to help you understand it better then me”.

Well, I don’t remember my brother being there…but I remember her using some big strange words…I’m guessing words like vagina and uterus…that sounded strange to me. She never did talk to me in any of our talks about foreplay, or asking for what you want…and of course I didn’t know to ask about such things.

But because of those talks, I am the one that all the girls came to and some boys came to talk about sex and what to do, etc.
Once I got of age to date, I started experimenting…I wanted to perfect kissing, so I kissed 30 boys in 3 months, and then there there was oral, the first time I had this experience of giving, I asked questions and got great feedback and it was the beginning of a whole new and wonderful world for me…a world of exploration, but even more so a world of Art. That is how I saw sexuality and making love, eating, giving oral, washing my body, washing a partners body, giving a massage…it was all art to me, still is. It was Life & Loving as Art!

Now my mother did have some training that wasn’t healthy around intimacy…like “sex is about men and give them what they want” and “don’t touch yourself as you’ll be less sensitive when you get older”. That is how she was trained and what she thought and it has taken a lot of time to unwind those early trainings…it hasn’t been easy to embrace in my adult years the sex is about me and my pleasure too and to really enjoy touching myself and pleasuring myself…though I will say both of these things, as challenging as they have been for me in my life, they are what I love to teach so much in my work. To give a woman or a man permission to ask for what they want in love making or to teach people how to self pleasure…there is nothing like it! It truly thrills me! As I know what the other side feels like and I love taking them on the journey to sexual empowerment and owning their own pleasure.

I’m grateful for those early talks with my mother…it is what I remember most, as I knew it was important to me, and it is. It is my sexuality and relationship are my most favorite topics to talk about and the healing of sexuality! Such beautiful conversations and it is life changing and I love supporting that kind of change in the word…a better sex and intimacy life for people!

Primal/Animalistic Energies

I have been talking to men and women lately about primal/animalistic energies. So many men have been trained to not live in their animal…that is scares women or it might come across abusive or aggressive.

I wrote a while back about how some women love to be “taken” and I got amazing responses from agreeing to it and excited about it and craving it, to one woman asking it that was what was called “consensual rape”. We have to understand that when a human is in their primal energy that it can look a million different ways but from what I see and experience is it is an intense, powerful and fiery energy and sometimes a grounded one..depending on the person. But consensual rape it is not…it is listening to your partners body, the yes comes from her body or his, and then the partner slowly starts to come into their energy field with that animal/primal nature to feel and see if the yes is still there…and if it is, then “takes” her..and what that means is for one partner to be yes in their body and the other one follows that yes, it may mean pushing, let’s say her, up against the wall, with a knee spreading her legs…or maybe it means throwing her down on the bed and there is scratching, biting, hair pulling or maybe it it just an energetic thing that is felt in the space or others use words and breath to convey they are in charge…or maybe it is a primal wrestling match that is hot for the two of you!

Coming back to men and women in this…men have been asking how to get into their primal energies…and does this mean they have to change who they are…even though most know this primal energy has been trained out of them…they don’t know how to put it back in. Well, from what I see and have experience…some people just need given permission…I sometimes take my clients through some exercises to get them into their primal energies, into their animal side. Others they just need someone to practice being with this energy that feels new to them. Having a practice partner is always such a wonderful gift in this…even it if not a sexual buddy, someone to just explore with…to reinitiate you into your primal energy to embrace it, nourish and feed it….and I say, only do this if you are a hell yes to it. If you like exactly who you are, just be that way, don’t change for another unless that changing for them is important to you.

Women are missing the masculine energy, the energy that takes charge, anywhere from makes plans for the night, him (if the partner is a man) choosing the restaurant, to once we are back home, having them take us into his arms and devour us in the most passionate way!

It doesn’t have to be negatively aggressive, it doesn’t have to be kinky, it doesn’t have to be prearranged…the animal just needs to be let out of it’s cage in a way that the partner can be a hell yes to it. Both parties need to be a hell yes to it.

I invite you to have a night with your partner and play in your animalistic energies…pressing your partner down to the bed…and at first there might be a lot of negotiating before hand…but as time goes by allow the organic-ness of it all just blossom! And if you don’t have a partner, invite a friend over

I believe so many are hungering for the animal in us to be drawn out…it is time…to consciously bring it out, play and explore…crawl on the floor, wrestle, bite, whatever does it for you…just bring her/him out to play!

A Healing Journey

A week ago today my body said “it is time”. I have learned now to listen to that voice and not fight it or not fear it. I prepared my space, I organized my home and I got my mind and body ready for the time ahead.

When it was time, I got my singing bowl, sheepskin rug, pad of paper and pen…the necessities for the ceremony. I sat and wrote, I let my intentions flow, pausing, and then letting them flow out more, feeling into my body to know what it was wanting from this inward time…once I felt complete, I read it all out loud to feel it all, each word and to add just a few more intentions that showed up. I sat in stillness, breathing it all in, and then I brought my crystal singing bowl close to me…playing it as I chanted the intentions out into the space…allowing them to flow out of me freely to be heard, felt, embodied by the room, myself, the medicine, spirit and to prepare that deeper part of me that said “yes” to this. Once everything feels in alignment I take the medicine in hand and take it in. Lots of water to go with it.

My spirit is already awakened, feeling and ready…I start to play my playing bowl in a way I have never before…only with my hands, nothing else…it felt like my hands and spirit were playing, creating, and allowing soul to break free and play music without anything in the way. I never seen or heard it played this way…my heart was happy and my cells were excited for being creative…I felt it in my being, this is what I needed more of…time to be creative and I was still sober! First lesson!

Stillness was requested…so I just laid flat…hands on my heart, allowing my body to drop into the floor, feeling into every part of my body and relaxing. Another thing my being was needing…relaxing, for no reason every day, to be still, and go on a deep inner dive to listen. Oh how I love meditation, when I allow myself that gift.

Then I felt it, there was a tingle in my heart, it was waking up and I was coming on..it was so subtle. The tingle expanded across my chest and into my hands…it felt like static electricity, though about 1.5 feel thick and it was condensed around my chest area, the color of transparent white. I was deeply into all the minute sensations of this tingling when I heard it…

“You love men”, long pause, I felt the truth of this in my whole being.
“You love your mother”, yes I did.
“You love your brother, though he scares you”, yes that was very true.
“You love yourself”, yes, yes that is true.

These words repeated numerous times, over and over again. My being taking it all in. I remember the days before so much pain, heart ache and abuse that I loved and adored men…I protected them endlessly and it felt amazing. I saw how much women didn’t “get” men and I refused to let women put men down without trying to show them who they really are..how the really are. And truth is, I still adore and love men…and with all the pain it has been a bit more challenging…but I do see and get men much more then I’ll understand women…I truly really like men, simple, sweet, kind, deeply compassionate, strong, wanting to protect, generous, amazing cuddliers and so much more….I started giggling with all the insights of how much I love men…as some part of me had needed to remember…what a relief to remember…my soul lit up!

I lay there and it started to showing me all the good stuff in my life. It showed me that even in the most traumatic and painful times in my life that good was there, and to remember that too. “Remember the good stuff and good times too” was the words that came through.

This static buzzing had become thicker and had encompassed my upper body, mostly around my heart and inside my skull by 1 inch…it felt like my brain was lit up and alive!

My body started to get cold…so I started a bath, though I did not want to move…I needed to, water and warmth was calling me. I lay back down and it started showing me the goodness in the people who have hurt me the most, and how it wasn’t their intention, it was their pain, their protection.

I got into the tub, feeling the warmth of the water on my skin, relaxing back. I heard a deep calling inside, asking me to open my heart, feel my heart, come from my heart and that comes from being quiet, listening, being still, being in nature…playing music, singing. Part of me knew exactly how to live that way, as it is where I came from, before the trauma and part of me will need to look for the path to it, relearn this way of living, and part of me lives there already. It felt good and like a long journey home too.

It showed me all the pain that was in my heart and body, it showed me where it came from…it didn’t show me how to release it, that was my work. But it showed me where it lived and what it looked like and the texture of it.

At one point it was time to go to my bedroom and lay in bed, blankets enfolding me, my whole being still as the downloads keep coming…I am finding this medicine is less body based…as I’d hoped for, and more lessons from my mind. I have this realization and so I try out, “what if I touch my body”…it was like “meh”. So I go back to stillness, go back to listening.

At one point my spirit says “you need to listen to music more”. I got up, I went to my iPod, the first artist that my body perked up with was Adele…I press play…WOW! I didn’t realize how sensual her music was. Every single song that came on…my body started to move and roll, my body, spirit mind lit up like a huge tingly ball of light. I started to giggle and laugh from the mere sensual joy and bliss my body felt by moving…in my home, by myself…this is what I did my whole childhood, I danced 3-5 hours a day, no partner, I was my partner.

I got on my knees and my hips started to roll…I watched my body move in the mirrors around me and repositioned one mirror so I could see from 75% of all positions around me…what fun to watch my body move, to feel my hips grind…to feel my power in my hips and body…to see it alive in my cells…this is who I am. This is who I know myself to be…and then it started sharing with me and downloading workshops for women to get into their bodies….that felt AMAZING! All of a sudden my body wanted to capture this…I grabbed my camera…I did a little video of me, in my hips, my full body, on my knees and rolling around. And then the photos that came after…when do I take photos of myself? Not often. It was me putting attention on me..my full attention…I loved it. Sometimes I just need my own attention and I forget…and now I am remembering. I saw the look on my face, the feel of my body, the sweat on my back and the excitement of my being being turned back on by my first love…dance! It will always be my first and probably will be my last love too!

I went back to stillness and felt out the rest of my journey…the lessons were bountiful, the journey inward was heavenly and insightful. My body was happy and my spirit was seen and felt..and it loved it…I loved it!

A Healing Time

I went to a healer this week….there was something in me that I needed to get out and I knew I just couldn’t do it myself. Sometimes I just need space held for me to go deeper in my healing.
He asked “what do you need”.
“I need you to put your hands on the back of my heart and sacrum”.
I had a bit of idea of what might happen and of course I had what thought might happen after that part. But there wasn’t much “after that part”.

I got on the massage table, he placed his hands where I wanted him and the tears came..they poured, it was as if something just reached inside me and pressed the flood button…the face cradle was drenched within 15 minutes, to the point it needed to be changed for a more absorbent one. And the snot that just drained from my face was immense.
I flashed to the first time I was sexually abused…the words that started to come in:
“It’s ok” - my brain didn’t understand why I was saying it was ok…but after more deep tears I realized it was something saying to me it was ok to feel it…and feel it I did.

Then the words “I’m sorry came in”. I was even more baffled…why am “I” sorry, I didn’t do anything wrong, he did”. After a bit I said to the healer “can you say, ‘I’m sorry’”, and he started to say it over and over again…the tears came more and more. More downloads…some in a small little voice of even me being sorry that I couldn’t be the better daughter and enjoy his abuse and be a “good little girl”.

I was being flashed to every major abuse in my life…from the first one to the last, to the painful events of 2012 that about killed me, to the pain of so many experiences of my life…losing people out of my life…and with each one more tears, it is like my heart’s pain was bursting out and needed to be witnessed in it.

And then the next words “I’m sorry I hurt you” to be repeated. More intense emotions came through from childhood to adulthood.
My body started to tense, the anger started to come through when I thought of when my used to be best friend was giving me a sacred spot session abused his rights as a practitioner…and my body flushed with anger and my body twisted and tensed and this voice came through “do you want to hang on to the anger”? The confusion in my body went from anger to sad to anger…and my body was both at one time…it was going through the process it needed to go through to get to it’s answer….and then the words “I forgive you” came in…yes…that is what I want… and then feeling it I wondered “how do we ever truly know we forgive”? It felt foreign in that moment..I couldn’t understand it. I asked the healer “how do we actually know we have forgiven”? He said “I don’t know”.

More nose blowing, eye wiping….I kept feeling into forgiveness….the desire for it for myself and everyone in my life…in that moment it felt like it got really close and then far away and then close again. I kept saying to each face that came up, “I forgive you”, especially to that last best friend experience…that left me so hurt and so in darkness after it happened…I had the most anger with him. I have only had one healing session with a man since then, as I’d stopped trusting men as healers and that was only in recent months. But I really got I hadn’t had anyone do any work with that experience…as I feared more abuse being put in…and I knew it was time and my spirit chose this man to hold space.

The healer had gone to my hands which brought up other emotions, to my feet and legs, which felt soothing. I eventually sat up and asked for his hands to be on the front and back of my heart. That is when my session was done. 40 minutes of pure tears, emotions, release…right before leaving to see my family…thank goodness..I needed that!

I was too wiped out to move after that, I laid down for 45 minutes integrating until my body started to have a “normal” thought pop in, then I realized I was done.

I drank so much water throughout the session and after…and I released a lot of fluid out my face…so I was replacing it all.
As the healer and I shared I said to him “a healer doesn’t need to do much for me to heal, if they know how to hold space and if I feel safe, my body just does all the work from the inside out. Thank you”. He said “may I quote you on that?”. We laughed, I believe he was a bit blown away as he was used to “doing” stuff for healing to happen and he just followed my direction the whole session and all came out.

It was the most powerful healing session I have had in years…and I am grateful for it.

The next day I felt like I’d been emptied out, I felt my power come back into my body that had been hibernating. Just in time! It has really supported me with my family and another situation. It is good to feel like me again…to have honored all those emotions and experiences and to release them all. To allow my heart freedom again and the heal and to honor myself in it’s healing process. I sometimes just can’t do it alone…and I’m grateful I didn’t. My heart feels more peaceful and at ease now…and I’m excited for my next session too!