A Healing Journey

A week ago today my body said “it is time”. I have learned now to listen to that voice and not fight it or not fear it. I prepared my space, I organized my home and I got my mind and body ready for the time ahead.

When it was time, I got my singing bowl, sheepskin rug, pad of paper and pen…the necessities for the ceremony. I sat and wrote, I let my intentions flow, pausing, and then letting them flow out more, feeling into my body to know what it was wanting from this inward time…once I felt complete, I read it all out loud to feel it all, each word and to add just a few more intentions that showed up. I sat in stillness, breathing it all in, and then I brought my crystal singing bowl close to me…playing it as I chanted the intentions out into the space…allowing them to flow out of me freely to be heard, felt, embodied by the room, myself, the medicine, spirit and to prepare that deeper part of me that said “yes” to this. Once everything feels in alignment I take the medicine in hand and take it in. Lots of water to go with it.

My spirit is already awakened, feeling and ready…I start to play my playing bowl in a way I have never before…only with my hands, nothing else…it felt like my hands and spirit were playing, creating, and allowing soul to break free and play music without anything in the way. I never seen or heard it played this way…my heart was happy and my cells were excited for being creative…I felt it in my being, this is what I needed more of…time to be creative and I was still sober! First lesson!

Stillness was requested…so I just laid flat…hands on my heart, allowing my body to drop into the floor, feeling into every part of my body and relaxing. Another thing my being was needing…relaxing, for no reason every day, to be still, and go on a deep inner dive to listen. Oh how I love meditation, when I allow myself that gift.

Then I felt it, there was a tingle in my heart, it was waking up and I was coming on..it was so subtle. The tingle expanded across my chest and into my hands…it felt like static electricity, though about 1.5 feel thick and it was condensed around my chest area, the color of transparent white. I was deeply into all the minute sensations of this tingling when I heard it…

“You love men”, long pause, I felt the truth of this in my whole being.
“You love your mother”, yes I did.
“You love your brother, though he scares you”, yes that was very true.
“You love yourself”, yes, yes that is true.

These words repeated numerous times, over and over again. My being taking it all in. I remember the days before so much pain, heart ache and abuse that I loved and adored men…I protected them endlessly and it felt amazing. I saw how much women didn’t “get” men and I refused to let women put men down without trying to show them who they really are..how the really are. And truth is, I still adore and love men…and with all the pain it has been a bit more challenging…but I do see and get men much more then I’ll understand women…I truly really like men, simple, sweet, kind, deeply compassionate, strong, wanting to protect, generous, amazing cuddliers and so much more….I started giggling with all the insights of how much I love men…as some part of me had needed to remember…what a relief to remember…my soul lit up!

I lay there and it started to showing me all the good stuff in my life. It showed me that even in the most traumatic and painful times in my life that good was there, and to remember that too. “Remember the good stuff and good times too” was the words that came through.

This static buzzing had become thicker and had encompassed my upper body, mostly around my heart and inside my skull by 1 inch…it felt like my brain was lit up and alive!

My body started to get cold…so I started a bath, though I did not want to move…I needed to, water and warmth was calling me. I lay back down and it started showing me the goodness in the people who have hurt me the most, and how it wasn’t their intention, it was their pain, their protection.

I got into the tub, feeling the warmth of the water on my skin, relaxing back. I heard a deep calling inside, asking me to open my heart, feel my heart, come from my heart and that comes from being quiet, listening, being still, being in nature…playing music, singing. Part of me knew exactly how to live that way, as it is where I came from, before the trauma and part of me will need to look for the path to it, relearn this way of living, and part of me lives there already. It felt good and like a long journey home too.

It showed me all the pain that was in my heart and body, it showed me where it came from…it didn’t show me how to release it, that was my work. But it showed me where it lived and what it looked like and the texture of it.

At one point it was time to go to my bedroom and lay in bed, blankets enfolding me, my whole being still as the downloads keep coming…I am finding this medicine is less body based…as I’d hoped for, and more lessons from my mind. I have this realization and so I try out, “what if I touch my body”…it was like “meh”. So I go back to stillness, go back to listening.

At one point my spirit says “you need to listen to music more”. I got up, I went to my iPod, the first artist that my body perked up with was Adele…I press play…WOW! I didn’t realize how sensual her music was. Every single song that came on…my body started to move and roll, my body, spirit mind lit up like a huge tingly ball of light. I started to giggle and laugh from the mere sensual joy and bliss my body felt by moving…in my home, by myself…this is what I did my whole childhood, I danced 3-5 hours a day, no partner, I was my partner.

I got on my knees and my hips started to roll…I watched my body move in the mirrors around me and repositioned one mirror so I could see from 75% of all positions around me…what fun to watch my body move, to feel my hips grind…to feel my power in my hips and body…to see it alive in my cells…this is who I am. This is who I know myself to be…and then it started sharing with me and downloading workshops for women to get into their bodies….that felt AMAZING! All of a sudden my body wanted to capture this…I grabbed my camera…I did a little video of me, in my hips, my full body, on my knees and rolling around. And then the photos that came after…when do I take photos of myself? Not often. It was me putting attention on me..my full attention…I loved it. Sometimes I just need my own attention and I forget…and now I am remembering. I saw the look on my face, the feel of my body, the sweat on my back and the excitement of my being being turned back on by my first love…dance! It will always be my first and probably will be my last love too!

I went back to stillness and felt out the rest of my journey…the lessons were bountiful, the journey inward was heavenly and insightful. My body was happy and my spirit was seen and felt..and it loved it…I loved it!