What a journey this week has been…from deep healing before I got up here to Portland to the last 12 hours before I got here when my brother and I shared some deep truths with each other…which I felt was so opening and healing for us! And though we didn’t see eye to eye, it felt good to have it all out in the open. I placed some boundaries and he didn’t like, I am ok with that. I know family doesn’t usually like boundary setting, especially since we weren’t raised with them.
It is especially hard to be up here, not just because packing up my mother and putting her in assisted living is challenging, knowing she can’t take care of herself any more…but it is the personal challenges between my brother and I, over the years he has become this angry, overpowering brother that likes to dominate and I am not someone who likes to be overpowered or dominated in that way and anger, well it doesn’t sit well with me when I haven’t done anything to deserve it. And it is who he is now. And that is why I laid down boundaries, which he didn’t like, I got a book of judgements back from him, which weren’t true, but the beautiful thing is by the end of it, we both agreed that we didn’t understand each other. And I felt it was very healing for us to be able to share so honestly before I got up here as then we could be done with it!
It is interesting as in my life at home, many times when I place boundaries my friends come back with “thank you for taking care of yourself”, which I love from cuddling rules. I wish we were all trained with this response from when we were children!
In the first 24 hours I did have to implement my boundaries…and it worked beautifully, it felt empowering!
Since I have been here I have gotten my mothers office..including ALL of her paperwork gone through, except the stuff she has to go through….some stuff, as a kid to a parent, you just don’t want to know about your parent, even though you know it is there. I have gotten through all of her clothes and drawers and dining room area and closets….that was a BIG work day!
Friday my brother mentioned taking some days off to rest, I was not happy about it at first, as I extended my stay to help, but Saturday I woke up and as I worked I realized it was the best thing for him to go…he wasn’t helping me by being there and he was actually slowing me down by talking to mom, and he had nothing to do on the weekend here, he wanted to leave Monday and so when he came over I said “I want you to go home now, go spend time with your wife, rest and I’d love it if you came back on Tuesday to help get thing to Salvation Army and have family time”. He stood there in surprise, he wanted to be happy but something in him wouldn’t let him register it in himself…he just wasn’t expecting it. He said “I wasn’t even thinking of leaving this early, I don’t know, I have to see if it works”. He called his wife and when I went out to see him to see what was happening he was glowing…we had a 3 way conversation on the phone, got all the details of what needed to happen to have this work…my brother was grateful…a side I don’t see in him often…THAT felt so good. I knew it was the right thing for both of us…it was a win win!
Saturday was a full on 8 hour day. By Sunday I was wiped out, my patience were fried…I am an introvert. I am not used to being around someone, or 2 some ones that talk all the time, which is exhausting for me. And I have learned my mother has no problem asking for what she wants, whenever she wants…like asking for ice at 2:30am. I was pretty worn down from being on 24 hours a day for a few days and working and no space to work with my emotions. So I went dancing and got to see friends at dance and afterward…which felt like a true gift!
Last night I was so wiped out, that mom and I cuddled, watched a show together and then I got the house and her ready for bed and I passed out and finally I got 8 hours sleep, first time in 4 nights! Oh I so needed that! Now I have 2 days to do the rest! I am grateful for the time I had away, the space to feel and move and breathe and for the cuddles and soft down time with my mother, hearing about our family and the stories…I want more of that!
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