Abuse in the World, Outing, She Said and when I started to leave Tantra and Why

I just finished watching She Said…the story about Weinstein and how these 2 reporters gathered information from many women about the abuse Weinstein did over decades of being in the business.

All the steps, all the gentleness, spaciousness and persistence that it took from those reporters, and the courage of those women to tell their stories…at first off the record and then on the record.

How those NDA’s were poison. How they take away people’s voices and the fear and relief that they must have felt to have the story out there…they weren’t alone and they could breathe again.

I know about a year after that I called out a School of Tantra for the abuse that happened and the rape that happened in their school and tagged with with #metoodakas. It was powerful how many people came forth and said #metoo with daka’s too. The list was long of all the people who were abused and raped in the tantra world. I made a page where everyone could tell their stories. It was heart breaking. Women or men would go in for healing from a Daka/dakini and come away with more abuse. I know that was my situation too. I stopped going to Tantra practitioners after, not only I was abused, but the school…the owner of the school took the guys side, his employee and student saying “someone has to take that guys side”. Amongst many other horrible things he said to me. I can’t say how many comments were on that post…but there were hundreds, if not more.

Over the next few years, I was a witness in cases against some of the Daka’s in that school. It was horrifying how the courts deal with these things.

Tantra educators took that letter and used it as a way of outing people for abuse. As I used no names, I told my story and enough that people could figure out who it was from description…which is fully legal. Though the owner of the school went on and outed his student and employee.

You can’t find the letter any more and FB took down my account 4 years ago for something else. I am deeply disappointed that was lost when they took down my account. It was a great educational tool.

I am doing to admit something that I haven’t ever shared on social media. After me admitting what happened, there were a few Tantrika’s from his school that were on me to keep the anger, the pain, the rage, tearing into him…keep writing, keep posting about it. And when I didn’t, as it was exhausting, they turned on me. This whole experience was traumatizing. It was the beginning of me walking away from Tantra. I saw how unhealthy the field was. I saw how angry these women were and wanted to keep the pain alive. I just wanted to warn people, let people know what happened so it didn’t happen to them.

But what came of it was mostly some ugly attacks of me behind the scenes, losing a lot of people out of my life and me mistrusting a lot of people in the industry. I don’t regret posting that post…but man, I will say, have a team of people to support you when you call people out, as it will take everything out of you to bounce back from it. I had to purposely take time off from social media, all the messages that came in, the responses, the owner of the school and then some of his students attacking me, the people on my side judging and attacking me for not keeping the attack of him going.

So this movie brought this all up. An how I can really relate to Laura who had her voice and choice to have her name not taken away and then she had to deal with the backlash. Sure, I wrote the letter and posted it, that was my choice, but the backlash, the time taken off from work, the not knowing who to trust…even though hers was so much larger than what I went through.

I know why women stay silent, I have stayed silent for many abuses in my life, it sometimes is easier that way…though thankfully I can speak to the people close to me about those things…these women couldn’t, which is like drinking poison every day and having to live with it..that is called hell.

It was amazing to see how many women played themselves in the movie. Grateful they could…finally. Weinstein has been behind bars for only 4 years of a 23 year sentence after 82 women came forth after the initial article. I don’t think 23 years is fair for the lives he ruined, hopefully he rots in there but who knows.

Truth

Truth I’ve been coaching couples for years and I support them into speaking their truth to teach other, even when it is hard. And what is amazing, is when truth is spoken well, and people learn how to listen well, things can be worked out more smoothly and peace and love shows up in their relationship and intimacy grows!

And…. Most people believe that telling a lie is OK, as long as they feel like you’re protecting the other person. But the real truth is you’re only protecting yourself. Even if you’ve done something horrible and you do not want to share it with your partner or your friend because you’re scared of hurting them. You’re really scared of getting in trouble or being hurt yourself or losing that person out of your life. I mean, really, if you didn’t want to hurt them you wouldn’t have done what you did, yes? You did it for you, so you are protecting you. Protecting you even in saying “I’m not happy” or “something is off and I didn’t know how to say it so I did this”.

I know many say speaking the truth is hard. But it isn’t once you know how. When you know HOW to actually speak the truth, it lands a lot better and the person may still stay in your life I forgive you. But the fact is we all need to learn the way to speak truth our to people. Most of us are taught that little white lies or not saying anything is OK.

But those are the things that get us in trouble and all of our relationships. Think about it, if you actually told your best friend that you didn’t call them last night because you were crying your eyes out over something, or on a hot date with a guy/girl, or you needed alone time…this would grow trust in your relationship. People will feel it when you lie and it will come between you one day. And if it was one of those examples I shared, they can have compassion or celebrate with you.

In your intimate relationships or your deep friendships, or any relationship for that matter. Why not just speak your truth. “I was late because I’m just a late person and I have no concept of time”. Because then at least the person knows you have no concept of time and to show up always 15-20 minutes late because you do. Or, “I was late as I got so engrossed in the book I was reading and didn’t set an alarm to leave on time”…instead of “there was traffic”…which may or may not be true.

Or if you had an affair with someone, tell your partner (in a conscious loving way or with a coach), because the fact is they’re probably going to feel it or find out one day anyway. And if you tell them instead of them finding out, guess what, it’s going to feel much better than them coming from you, then coming from the neighbor.

We need to all stop hiding behind false pretenses and trying to “keep them safe”. All you’re doing is keeping you safe. But are you really safe? Because you’re always fearful of being found out. And that’s not an easy way to live. I’ve seen this ruin couples lives. A secret or lie they have held onto for 20 years, the other person finds out and the relationship falls apart…because it has been in the dark for so long and all trust was destroyed with they found out from someone else. Without trust there is no relationship…without truth there is no foundation to build a relationship on.

Having always wonder if they’re gonna find out or having to hold it inside is very stressful.

And then turn it around, what would happen if you found out your friend or partner lied to you? How would that feel to you? Would it be OK with you to find out the truth through somebody else? Or would you rather hear it from them? Are you one of those people that thinks that “it won’t hurt me if I don’t know”. Well, maybe you are one of those people. But how does that bring you and your partner or your friend closer? If you can’t speak your truth, then why be in that relationship? That’s my question.

Intimacy

Intimacy starts long before even kissing or touching someone. It starts with energy…how you feel when you see your partner, if you really let them see you, and feel where you are. Do you let them see you are hurting, angry or outrageously joyous? Intimacy can start with a look, the way you move your body, how you eat your food while looking at them.

And intimacy starts long before the clothes come off, in fact, I’d say 90% of intimacy is with our clothes on and how we connect…share, touch, laugh, and cry with each other…on the phone, in person. Intimacy is how much we allow ourselves to be seen in the moment, feel into each other, this can be with a friend, lover and even pet.

Sometimes we can go deep with no words at all and sometimes with the deepest, truest words we’ve ever shared with someone. I have witnessed people crack wide open because their partner has shared their deepest truth with them.

How willing are you to be seen and felt in all of you? Share what you really want and need? Connect heart to heart. Some of the most intimate times in my life have been silent- in dance, eye gazing, caressing and then the complete opposite of share my heart completely verbally.

I was talking to someone the other day, about relationship and s*x and she said “people don’t usually talk about this topic. It is like it is forbidden”, she was relieved to be talking about it. She is right, so many don’t talk about it, and it is time for us to talk about the hard stuff, the “forbidden stuff”, as what is hidden grows mold and gets bigger, and when we shed light on it, start talking about it even a little bit, it can start to heal. Our fears get less big instead or grow huge, our dreams can get bigger instead of die inside of us. Our intimate lives can get better instead of shrink inside of us. How intimate are you willing to be with the people in your life?

Many people feel Tantra is all about s*x, when really I see it as a path to intimacy, connection, authenticity and it is a spiritual practice of being in the moment and being present with what is…I’d say this is intimacy, with self and others.

Relationship Contracts

Relationship Contracts So many want certain things in relationship and they don't talk about them, they may do those things in secret. What I invite is to talk about everything you desire, put it out there and see how you can work those things out together. The video got cut off...but it captured what I needed to say. If you have questions feel free to ask below!

Look Mom No Hands- My Self Pleasuring Journey

Everyone has their own journey to self pleasuring…and as I speak to people it shows me how different we are all in our paths to it and to how we came to pleasure also, especially women.

As I spoke to a friend the other day, sharing my story I realized, from her response, it was time to share mine. When I was quite young I remember touching myself and loving it. I did it quite often, I didn’t think anything of it, it felt wonderful, so I did it as often as I liked. Then one day it changed, my mother had told me to not touch myself as I’d be less sensitive when I got older. As a child and an obedient child, not knowing any better, I did what I was told. I stopped touching myself. But that did not stop me from having pleasure.

I realized very soon after that, as soon as I’d pee or pooped there was high sensation “down there”, it tingled and it felt good. So, I’d go to my room afterward, lay on my belly and squeeze and release my pelvic floor muscles until my body was all sweaty and I’d have a pleasure pour through my body. As an adult I see this as I kageled my way to climax! I thought “look mom, no hands”! This was my new way to pleasure myself. I even remember passing my brothers doorway once and he was doing the same thing…not knowing there was anything “wrong” or “shameful” about it, I said “hey, I do that too”! He leapt up full of shame and told me to get out. In my early 20’s I started therapy for s*xual abuse. Self pleasuring and climax came up in one of our sessions and she recommended for me to buy a vibrator. I’d never thought about that, I don’t even think I knew what one was. But I took a friend and we went off to a s*x shop. The person showed me all kinds of things, it was fascinating and I LOVED IT! I chose a long, slinder, medium sized and purple vibrator! I realized I loved being in that shop, wheres my girlfriend was all embarrassed.

I felt shy, but it lit me up, like it was a place I was meant to be in some way. I didn’t understand it, I just knew I loved the feeling. It was a story I started taking all of my friends, getting to know all the toys, even if we didn’t buy anything. I was able to tell them how things worked then, which I loved. I’d say I started self pleasuring often. My feet were cold at night and I learned if I used my vibrator I'd not only get pleasure, but my feet would warm up. So it became a nightly experience. I did try to touch myself with my hands from time to time, but just before I’d get to climax, my hand would always freeze up and I couldn't finish. It was so frustrating I wouldn’t try for another year or more. A girlfriend told me she couldn’t climax with a vibrator, so I told her I'd show her sometime how to do it. One day we were just laying around talking and things went quiet, and I knew where her vibrator was, I turned and got it out of the drawer, over her clothes I put it between her legs, lightly, I watched her facial expressions, sounds, her face change colors and I started pulling it a little farther away and BOOM she sounded, signed, smiled, sweated and looked at me with happy relief, “how did you do that?” I told her the trick…to make it lighter as you get my stimulated and then climax could come. (Mind you I called it orgasm back then, I didn’t realize there was a difference, but there is. Climax wasn’t part of my vocabulary for another 2 decades).

When I was in my early 30’s one of my friends introduced me to a Hitachi, a girls best friend really! Well, I have to say, I LOVED IT, and my friend saw that and she gave it to me as she never used that one any more…she had a huge assortment of toys. I gratefully took it home and it was my solo pleasure friend for many many years…a few decades actually! They aren't made the same these days, but man I keep trying to find one that is like the original…it was heaven! I learned with this beautiful tool not to put it right on my clit, but to put fabric…my favorite was jean material. So I'd put on some jeans and have my fun! And it kept my clit nice and safe from being desensitized too! A win win!

As I got older and especially once I was self employed, working in my own home I’d self pleasure 3-4-5+ times a day. I’d get happy, I'd want to celebrate and I’d be sad, I’d want to boost my mood. Even when I was an even keel mood, I’d want to then too, and so I did! It became part of my life. And it made me remember when I was back in therapy and I was recommended this book, these women talked about how they would masturbate 1-5 times a day daily. I thought “what? Really? Why? That takes so much time! How did they get anything else done? Why?” Well, I now know why…it feels good. And I had the same question posed to me the other day, “how do you have the time for that”? Well, first of all, how do we not all make the time for this? And really, even being an energetic, it takes minutes sometimes, other times hours…it just depends on mood and time!

When I hit my early 30’s I went to my first Tantra class and she told us our homework was to go home and self pleasure, with our hands, in different positions, use different strokes and really, I was not happy about it, but as a good student I knew I would. So one night, I set up the space, music, candle light, incense, and I started to touch myself all over, I found new ways of touching myself, different positions I’d never even thought to be in, my body heated up beautifully and it was so sensual and hot…and just at the point of climax, my hand froze up again. I was disappointed, frustrated and well, a little angry I couldn't finish. I lay there feeling my body tingling, happy that I’d gotten that far though and felt so much, and wondered why I didn’t try this more often, even if I couldn’t get off. I made it my intention to do this more often. As that was a lovely evening of the most pleasure I’d ever given myself before. And my vibrator stayed in it's box, until it was over anyway!

I wouldn’t say I did that kind of long session of self pleasuring often, even it if was my intention, as it brought up so much frustration to not be able to finish with my own hands. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t, and why my hand would do that. It took years to see it was my programming my mother had put into me not to touch myself.

I became a Tantra Educator in my early 30’s, I LOVED it! I loved teaching people about the practices, getting them into their bodies and sensuality and s*xuality. After all, I was the person since I was 16 everyone came to for their s*x questions, as my mother talked to me about it. I loved being the “go to” girl for s*x questions and now here I was teaching about meditations to open the chakras, eye gazing as a meditation, conscious touch and communication. I was in love with my work. I even taught a class on self pleasuring for women in a 7 week course and as everyone dropped in I laid down and decided to self pleasure too. One of my regular students said “And THIS is your work”! I replied “you chose real estate, I chose this! Yes it is!” The room laughed!

I had a lot of shame around not being able to climax with my hands…I chose my partners carefully, (well, except one), ones that I felt would be compassionate and caring about it, as I felt broken and I felt like a fraud teaching what I did and not being able to do what so many other women could so easily. I always felt this sense of “why would a man want to be with me when they could be with someone who worked right”. I knew it also had to do with all the trauma I'd been through, I just didn’t know how deep it was in me.

One day in my 40’s, a woman’s s*xual prime, I had been invited to a s*x conference, so I went. I found myself buying vibrators and all kinds of things for inside the vagina, which I never used, as I had 2 experiences that had them inside me that I just didn’t like. I didn’t understand what I was doing. But I was in the middle of a deep healing journey with a medicine that was supporting me to heal from trauma. The next day I heard “tomorrow, do it tomorrow”. Me talking back “I don’t want to do it tomorrow…I don’t want to do it at all”. “This is for you”.

“I can just turn off my phone for me time. I don’t have to do this drug, I don’t do drugs”. I was still in resistance to how this medicine was helping me, I was taught not to do drugs and I knew it was helping me, but yet again, another thing I had to de-program from me. As I never knew one could take the same thing people used as drugs and use them for healing. Even though I’d done my research, I’d called MAPS, I got the science behind it and knew it wasn’t a drug, I was still in resistance. “This is for you” this voice said. Frustrated… “fine, I will do it”!

Once I committed to doing it my body relaxed and I was guided to my bedroom, I got out all my s*x toys and washed them, I was lining them up on a clean towel and I thought “what am I doing? I don’t used these things”. And I kept going. There was no answer, I just knew I was to do it.

I opened ceremony, I felt I was already on it before the ceremony was ended and then I took the medicine once I was fully in the space. The chanting, toning, calling in, everything took 45 minutes to an hour. I always felt I was already on it…and I’d not even taken it until the ceremony part was done, as I wanted the medicine to fully get why I was here, what I was doing this for, so it could support me to heal. I took it and I went in and drew myself a bath. Now I won't tell you all the in’s and out’s of this night, which lasted for hours. I will say I didn’t leave my bed for hours, and I self pleasured my whole body in a way that I’d never experienced, I used all of those toys, all of my orifice’s were happily used. And my body opened up to my hands touching it. I started to climax, over and over and over again. I held my finger up above my clit by 1/4 to 1 inch and my body climaxed every few seconds for hours. I didn’t even need to touch myself. I had to take breaks as it was so tiring to have so much pleasure raging through my body so much. Touch with my fingers, no touch, my body just kept going. By the end of the night I realized my body was making up for all they years it didn’t or couldn’t climax.

All these years, 24 years after a friend who had asked me “what does a orgasm feel like to you”. I told her and she said “that isn’t an orgasm, I used to think that was, but it isn’t”. That was the moment I felt broken. As before that I had no idea my body was “supposed to do or feel anything”. But that had been all deleted in one night. I ran into that woman after this experience, told her about it and she apologized deeply for what she had said to me as it was her beliefs about her body. And she asked me to help her heal. The next morning after this very energetic and pleasure filled night I woke up fearful that it was only the medicine and I'd go back to “normal”. I grabbed my coconut oil, I touched my body and gradually went down between my legs and within minutes 5 climaxes. “I’m not broken, I am healed, I work, fuck I work and I work beautifully”, squealed and hugged myself, tears of joy streamed down my face… “I don’t have to be scared any longer of being with men, I work now”. These are the words that kept ringing in my ears. I OMed (Orgasmic Meditation) that week and my OM partner was blown away, he went over time saying “I am waiting for your body to stop climaxing”, my response “she isn't going to stop until you do”. I laughed with such much celebration in my voice as it was true. I'd never experienced anything like this.

I went on a date that weekend and I sat on his knee and this explosion of sensation with through my body. He said “that was the most vulnerable experience I'd ever had in my life”.

It was in that one night I realized that was climax, and not orgasm. Climax is in the genitals, orgasm can be in the whole body, it can be from eating delicious food, it can be touching something soft and the body responding to it. Orgasm doesn’t have to be s*xual and the word climax was brought into my vocabulary then. And one can stimulate the other, but they are 2 different things. My life changed that night, it was like a magic button had been pressed and I'd been freed. I almost quit teaching s*xuality after that as I realized “this” was the reason I came into this work, as I wanted to heal. But then I realized I had so much more to teach and so much more space to teach it in within myself. My self pleasuring practice is still very much alive. My body stayed at that heightened place for a very long time…every time it felt like something to deeply celebrate. Since then I did a 40 day self pleasuring challenge, with my hands, it turned out to be a year long challenge. I loved it, I learned a lot more about my body. I realize now I can climax or not, I just know I love pleasure, if it is pleasurable I like it and want it. It is nice to have my mind freed from any kind of goal. And I will say after this happened I thought “this is what I had so much shame about, not having this”? Yes it is. As it is a big deal when you don't have it, but when you do have it, it is just part of your life.

So….this is what I look at, I see everyone self pleasuring different, they have a different relationship with it…with or without shame, with challenges and without. You don’t have to share your story with me….but if you have a story maybe it is time to look at it. Feel into it.

I didn’t know HOW interesting mine was to others until I started telling people about it. And honestly I left some parts out, but this is the gist! I laughed when my friend called me a s*xual blueprint…as I am not that, it is my lowest of the blue prints for me, I am a highly s*xual energetic/shapeshifter/sensual!

What is your relationship to self pleasuring? Was it ok to do it in your home growing up? What were you taught about doing or not doing it? How often to you self pleasure? Do you do it when you are only in a certain mood?

On Dating.. Is it Old Fashion? Is it the New Fashion? Just ask

I have been talking to women about men lately and man we have had some great conversations. I find it interesting that many of the women are having the same experience. And that is, they meet a man, the man seems to be interested…they are attentive, they talk to them every time they see them, give them eye contact, sometimes an exchange of a touch or hugs and then nothing happens. Some women have even been told that it is in their court to make the move by men. The majority of these women are desiring men to take the initiative and ask them out. What can I say, I am not a dating coach, I am a relationship coach, it is completely different…dating is a completely different animal. I personally know what to do once in a committed relationship, it is my happy place, it is the place I love, but the dating part, that is the hard part for me now. As I come from an age where if a man is interested they asked me lunch, if that goes well and they feel I am interested in, there is dinner, a show, a movie, start meeting the friends, hikes, etc…it was easy. As everyone knew where they stood. Nowadays I read about coaches telling women to let men know they are interested. I talk to men about it and they say they LOVE it when women take the initiative and ask them out.

Now…this is ONLY my experience…every time I have initiated with a man it never goes more then a few dates. If I am patient and let the men come around to asking me out, it may go into relationship. My old fashion mind says it is because I let him chase, I let him come after me. But then I hear things from other women that say they made the first move and now they are together or married…and that is great. So far, that hasn’t been my experience. All my life if I wanted to hang out with someone, mind you much of my life I just looked at people as people and not a relationship interest, I just asked them to hang out. As I have gotten older I see this is strange for men, and even for me at times. As there seems to always be this thing in the space of someone is wondering “are they interested”? or “I am interested” instead of just enjoying the other persons company. The truth is, most all my life I have connected with men better than women, I understand them better, we have great conversations, I have fun with men, our minds are much more in sync. So this dating, non dating, friendship thing, who initiates, who doesn’t, drives me crazy. My truth is this, I miss the old days, it felt so simple, guy meets girl, guy asks girl out, girl says yes or no, one girl says yes, you go out, if it goes well, you go out again, and eventually it turns into something…there is time to get to know each other, many chances to ask questions, learn what you have in common, find out who you are actually sharing time and space with. The excitement of holding hands for the first time or the first time in public, kissing, all of that….that is wonderful. Dating now seems like a rush to the bedroom…and as much as I coach on s*xuality, and I love that aspect of life and relationship, there is something so nourishing to feel safe knowing who I’m waking up to in the morning. Just to let you know, for me personally, what I'd like is, if someone is interested, (and they live near me), just ask me out…if I am interested I will say yes. If you want to get to know each other to see if there is interest…great, let’s go for a walk or hike. I don’t know if I am s*xually attracted in anyone until I’ve talked with them at least 3 times anyway. My mind needs to be perked, stimulated, and inspired, then when that happens my heart gets engaged and then everything can open and turn on from there! When I share this with the women in my life, they can relate and they say they want to same thing. I feel like the world has done this full cycle of men initiating, then there was the female revolution where women took charge and now some women are coming back to wanting men to initiate, to be taken out and to be get to be back in their feminine and let men take the front seat again, not in everything, but at least at the beginning of dating. I don’t speak for all women or all men, I’m just saying this is from the conversations I’ve been having with women lately…if it supports you, great, if you can relate, wonderful, if you have a different reality, wonderful. And from what I can see some people feel less alone if they know they aren’t the only ones going through something…so I share my experience here so you know, if you have had this experience, you are not alone! Can you relate to this at all? If so, put Yes or a heart in the comments!

Breathwork with Gong Bath Testimonial

One persons testimonial...time to change your life!
This is powerful transformational work!

Breathwork with Gong Bath Testimonial

Change your Breath, change your life!

This is one mans experience after my Breathwork and Gong bath session!

Balancing feminine and masculine energies at work

How to balance the femining and masculine sides of ourselves when being self employed or in business mode!

So many get stuck in one and exhaust themselves!

Here are some helpful ideas to support you!

The Past Few Days with Family

What a journey this week has been…from deep healing before I got up here to Portland to the last 12 hours before I got here when my brother and I shared some deep truths with each other…which I felt was so opening and healing for us! And though we didn’t see eye to eye, it felt good to have it all out in the open. I placed some boundaries and he didn’t like, I am ok with that. I know family doesn’t usually like boundary setting, especially since we weren’t raised with them.

It is especially hard to be up here, not just because packing up my mother and putting her in assisted living is challenging, knowing she can’t take care of herself any more…but it is the personal challenges between my brother and I, over the years he has become this angry, overpowering brother that likes to dominate and I am not someone who likes to be overpowered or dominated in that way and anger, well it doesn’t sit well with me when I haven’t done anything to deserve it. And it is who he is now. And that is why I laid down boundaries, which he didn’t like, I got a book of judgements back from him, which weren’t true, but the beautiful thing is by the end of it, we both agreed that we didn’t understand each other. And I felt it was very healing for us to be able to share so honestly before I got up here as then we could be done with it!

It is interesting as in my life at home, many times when I place boundaries my friends come back with “thank you for taking care of yourself”, which I love from cuddling rules. I wish we were all trained with this response from when we were children!

In the first 24 hours I did have to implement my boundaries…and it worked beautifully, it felt empowering!

Since I have been here I have gotten my mothers office..including ALL of her paperwork gone through, except the stuff she has to go through….some stuff, as a kid to a parent, you just don’t want to know about your parent, even though you know it is there. I have gotten through all of her clothes and drawers and dining room area and closets….that was a BIG work day!

Friday my brother mentioned taking some days off to rest, I was not happy about it at first, as I extended my stay to help, but Saturday I woke up and as I worked I realized it was the best thing for him to go…he wasn’t helping me by being there and he was actually slowing me down by talking to mom, and he had nothing to do on the weekend here, he wanted to leave Monday and so when he came over I said “I want you to go home now, go spend time with your wife, rest and I’d love it if you came back on Tuesday to help get thing to Salvation Army and have family time”. He stood there in surprise, he wanted to be happy but something in him wouldn’t let him register it in himself…he just wasn’t expecting it. He said “I wasn’t even thinking of leaving this early, I don’t know, I have to see if it works”. He called his wife and when I went out to see him to see what was happening he was glowing…we had a 3 way conversation on the phone, got all the details of what needed to happen to have this work…my brother was grateful…a side I don’t see in him often…THAT felt so good. I knew it was the right thing for both of us…it was a win win!

Saturday was a full on 8 hour day. By Sunday I was wiped out, my patience were fried…I am an introvert. I am not used to being around someone, or 2 some ones that talk all the time, which is exhausting for me. And I have learned my mother has no problem asking for what she wants, whenever she wants…like asking for ice at 2:30am. I was pretty worn down from being on 24 hours a day for a few days and working and no space to work with my emotions. So I went dancing and got to see friends at dance and afterward…which felt like a true gift!

Last night I was so wiped out, that mom and I cuddled, watched a show together and then I got the house and her ready for bed and I passed out and finally I got 8 hours sleep, first time in 4 nights! Oh I so needed that! Now I have 2 days to do the rest! I am grateful for the time I had away, the space to feel and move and breathe and for the cuddles and soft down time with my mother, hearing about our family and the stories…I want more of that!

Talking about Sex with My Mother

Yesterday my mother asks “Heather, so it doesn’t bother you to talk about sex with people”?
“No mom, I love it. To support others to have a great sex life and deepen their intimacy, that is the best! Nothing better than that! In fact if it wasn’t for you I might not be doing what I do. What I remember you talking to me about as a kid and teen is sex, sexuality, our first sex talks in 3rd grade, 5th grade, 8th grade and then your non stop talking of sex once you got a sex life when I was 16 years old. That is what I remember us talking about.”
“We talked about other things too, not just about sex”
“It is what I remember, it is what stood out for me, I don’t remember talking about much else, except family stuff”.
She was surprised by this.

Truth is…I don’t remember us talking about much else, and I know because of her giving me full permission to ask her anything I wanted, I did. So in 3rd grade I asked her… “ok mom…so I know the boy gets on top of the girl and moved up and down, but what happens”?
Her response… “go grab a pad of paper, a pen and get your brother”!
“My brother, no!”
“I’ve already had this conversation with him and he might be able to help you understand it better then me”.

Well, I don’t remember my brother being there…but I remember her using some big strange words…I’m guessing words like vagina and uterus…that sounded strange to me. She never did talk to me in any of our talks about foreplay, or asking for what you want…and of course I didn’t know to ask about such things.

But because of those talks, I am the one that all the girls came to and some boys came to talk about sex and what to do, etc.
Once I got of age to date, I started experimenting…I wanted to perfect kissing, so I kissed 30 boys in 3 months, and then there there was oral, the first time I had this experience of giving, I asked questions and got great feedback and it was the beginning of a whole new and wonderful world for me…a world of exploration, but even more so a world of Art. That is how I saw sexuality and making love, eating, giving oral, washing my body, washing a partners body, giving a massage…it was all art to me, still is. It was Life & Loving as Art!

Now my mother did have some training that wasn’t healthy around intimacy…like “sex is about men and give them what they want” and “don’t touch yourself as you’ll be less sensitive when you get older”. That is how she was trained and what she thought and it has taken a lot of time to unwind those early trainings…it hasn’t been easy to embrace in my adult years the sex is about me and my pleasure too and to really enjoy touching myself and pleasuring myself…though I will say both of these things, as challenging as they have been for me in my life, they are what I love to teach so much in my work. To give a woman or a man permission to ask for what they want in love making or to teach people how to self pleasure…there is nothing like it! It truly thrills me! As I know what the other side feels like and I love taking them on the journey to sexual empowerment and owning their own pleasure.

I’m grateful for those early talks with my mother…it is what I remember most, as I knew it was important to me, and it is. It is my sexuality and relationship are my most favorite topics to talk about and the healing of sexuality! Such beautiful conversations and it is life changing and I love supporting that kind of change in the word…a better sex and intimacy life for people!

Primal/Animalistic Energies

I have been talking to men and women lately about primal/animalistic energies. So many men have been trained to not live in their animal…that is scares women or it might come across abusive or aggressive.

I wrote a while back about how some women love to be “taken” and I got amazing responses from agreeing to it and excited about it and craving it, to one woman asking it that was what was called “consensual rape”. We have to understand that when a human is in their primal energy that it can look a million different ways but from what I see and experience is it is an intense, powerful and fiery energy and sometimes a grounded one..depending on the person. But consensual rape it is not…it is listening to your partners body, the yes comes from her body or his, and then the partner slowly starts to come into their energy field with that animal/primal nature to feel and see if the yes is still there…and if it is, then “takes” her..and what that means is for one partner to be yes in their body and the other one follows that yes, it may mean pushing, let’s say her, up against the wall, with a knee spreading her legs…or maybe it means throwing her down on the bed and there is scratching, biting, hair pulling or maybe it it just an energetic thing that is felt in the space or others use words and breath to convey they are in charge…or maybe it is a primal wrestling match that is hot for the two of you!

Coming back to men and women in this…men have been asking how to get into their primal energies…and does this mean they have to change who they are…even though most know this primal energy has been trained out of them…they don’t know how to put it back in. Well, from what I see and have experience…some people just need given permission…I sometimes take my clients through some exercises to get them into their primal energies, into their animal side. Others they just need someone to practice being with this energy that feels new to them. Having a practice partner is always such a wonderful gift in this…even it if not a sexual buddy, someone to just explore with…to reinitiate you into your primal energy to embrace it, nourish and feed it….and I say, only do this if you are a hell yes to it. If you like exactly who you are, just be that way, don’t change for another unless that changing for them is important to you.

Women are missing the masculine energy, the energy that takes charge, anywhere from makes plans for the night, him (if the partner is a man) choosing the restaurant, to once we are back home, having them take us into his arms and devour us in the most passionate way!

It doesn’t have to be negatively aggressive, it doesn’t have to be kinky, it doesn’t have to be prearranged…the animal just needs to be let out of it’s cage in a way that the partner can be a hell yes to it. Both parties need to be a hell yes to it.

I invite you to have a night with your partner and play in your animalistic energies…pressing your partner down to the bed…and at first there might be a lot of negotiating before hand…but as time goes by allow the organic-ness of it all just blossom! And if you don’t have a partner, invite a friend over

I believe so many are hungering for the animal in us to be drawn out…it is time…to consciously bring it out, play and explore…crawl on the floor, wrestle, bite, whatever does it for you…just bring her/him out to play!

A Healing Journey

A week ago today my body said “it is time”. I have learned now to listen to that voice and not fight it or not fear it. I prepared my space, I organized my home and I got my mind and body ready for the time ahead.

When it was time, I got my singing bowl, sheepskin rug, pad of paper and pen…the necessities for the ceremony. I sat and wrote, I let my intentions flow, pausing, and then letting them flow out more, feeling into my body to know what it was wanting from this inward time…once I felt complete, I read it all out loud to feel it all, each word and to add just a few more intentions that showed up. I sat in stillness, breathing it all in, and then I brought my crystal singing bowl close to me…playing it as I chanted the intentions out into the space…allowing them to flow out of me freely to be heard, felt, embodied by the room, myself, the medicine, spirit and to prepare that deeper part of me that said “yes” to this. Once everything feels in alignment I take the medicine in hand and take it in. Lots of water to go with it.

My spirit is already awakened, feeling and ready…I start to play my playing bowl in a way I have never before…only with my hands, nothing else…it felt like my hands and spirit were playing, creating, and allowing soul to break free and play music without anything in the way. I never seen or heard it played this way…my heart was happy and my cells were excited for being creative…I felt it in my being, this is what I needed more of…time to be creative and I was still sober! First lesson!

Stillness was requested…so I just laid flat…hands on my heart, allowing my body to drop into the floor, feeling into every part of my body and relaxing. Another thing my being was needing…relaxing, for no reason every day, to be still, and go on a deep inner dive to listen. Oh how I love meditation, when I allow myself that gift.

Then I felt it, there was a tingle in my heart, it was waking up and I was coming on..it was so subtle. The tingle expanded across my chest and into my hands…it felt like static electricity, though about 1.5 feel thick and it was condensed around my chest area, the color of transparent white. I was deeply into all the minute sensations of this tingling when I heard it…

“You love men”, long pause, I felt the truth of this in my whole being.
“You love your mother”, yes I did.
“You love your brother, though he scares you”, yes that was very true.
“You love yourself”, yes, yes that is true.

These words repeated numerous times, over and over again. My being taking it all in. I remember the days before so much pain, heart ache and abuse that I loved and adored men…I protected them endlessly and it felt amazing. I saw how much women didn’t “get” men and I refused to let women put men down without trying to show them who they really are..how the really are. And truth is, I still adore and love men…and with all the pain it has been a bit more challenging…but I do see and get men much more then I’ll understand women…I truly really like men, simple, sweet, kind, deeply compassionate, strong, wanting to protect, generous, amazing cuddliers and so much more….I started giggling with all the insights of how much I love men…as some part of me had needed to remember…what a relief to remember…my soul lit up!

I lay there and it started to showing me all the good stuff in my life. It showed me that even in the most traumatic and painful times in my life that good was there, and to remember that too. “Remember the good stuff and good times too” was the words that came through.

This static buzzing had become thicker and had encompassed my upper body, mostly around my heart and inside my skull by 1 inch…it felt like my brain was lit up and alive!

My body started to get cold…so I started a bath, though I did not want to move…I needed to, water and warmth was calling me. I lay back down and it started showing me the goodness in the people who have hurt me the most, and how it wasn’t their intention, it was their pain, their protection.

I got into the tub, feeling the warmth of the water on my skin, relaxing back. I heard a deep calling inside, asking me to open my heart, feel my heart, come from my heart and that comes from being quiet, listening, being still, being in nature…playing music, singing. Part of me knew exactly how to live that way, as it is where I came from, before the trauma and part of me will need to look for the path to it, relearn this way of living, and part of me lives there already. It felt good and like a long journey home too.

It showed me all the pain that was in my heart and body, it showed me where it came from…it didn’t show me how to release it, that was my work. But it showed me where it lived and what it looked like and the texture of it.

At one point it was time to go to my bedroom and lay in bed, blankets enfolding me, my whole being still as the downloads keep coming…I am finding this medicine is less body based…as I’d hoped for, and more lessons from my mind. I have this realization and so I try out, “what if I touch my body”…it was like “meh”. So I go back to stillness, go back to listening.

At one point my spirit says “you need to listen to music more”. I got up, I went to my iPod, the first artist that my body perked up with was Adele…I press play…WOW! I didn’t realize how sensual her music was. Every single song that came on…my body started to move and roll, my body, spirit mind lit up like a huge tingly ball of light. I started to giggle and laugh from the mere sensual joy and bliss my body felt by moving…in my home, by myself…this is what I did my whole childhood, I danced 3-5 hours a day, no partner, I was my partner.

I got on my knees and my hips started to roll…I watched my body move in the mirrors around me and repositioned one mirror so I could see from 75% of all positions around me…what fun to watch my body move, to feel my hips grind…to feel my power in my hips and body…to see it alive in my cells…this is who I am. This is who I know myself to be…and then it started sharing with me and downloading workshops for women to get into their bodies….that felt AMAZING! All of a sudden my body wanted to capture this…I grabbed my camera…I did a little video of me, in my hips, my full body, on my knees and rolling around. And then the photos that came after…when do I take photos of myself? Not often. It was me putting attention on me..my full attention…I loved it. Sometimes I just need my own attention and I forget…and now I am remembering. I saw the look on my face, the feel of my body, the sweat on my back and the excitement of my being being turned back on by my first love…dance! It will always be my first and probably will be my last love too!

I went back to stillness and felt out the rest of my journey…the lessons were bountiful, the journey inward was heavenly and insightful. My body was happy and my spirit was seen and felt..and it loved it…I loved it!

A Healing Time

I went to a healer this week….there was something in me that I needed to get out and I knew I just couldn’t do it myself. Sometimes I just need space held for me to go deeper in my healing.
He asked “what do you need”.
“I need you to put your hands on the back of my heart and sacrum”.
I had a bit of idea of what might happen and of course I had what thought might happen after that part. But there wasn’t much “after that part”.

I got on the massage table, he placed his hands where I wanted him and the tears came..they poured, it was as if something just reached inside me and pressed the flood button…the face cradle was drenched within 15 minutes, to the point it needed to be changed for a more absorbent one. And the snot that just drained from my face was immense.
I flashed to the first time I was sexually abused…the words that started to come in:
“It’s ok” - my brain didn’t understand why I was saying it was ok…but after more deep tears I realized it was something saying to me it was ok to feel it…and feel it I did.

Then the words “I’m sorry came in”. I was even more baffled…why am “I” sorry, I didn’t do anything wrong, he did”. After a bit I said to the healer “can you say, ‘I’m sorry’”, and he started to say it over and over again…the tears came more and more. More downloads…some in a small little voice of even me being sorry that I couldn’t be the better daughter and enjoy his abuse and be a “good little girl”.

I was being flashed to every major abuse in my life…from the first one to the last, to the painful events of 2012 that about killed me, to the pain of so many experiences of my life…losing people out of my life…and with each one more tears, it is like my heart’s pain was bursting out and needed to be witnessed in it.

And then the next words “I’m sorry I hurt you” to be repeated. More intense emotions came through from childhood to adulthood.
My body started to tense, the anger started to come through when I thought of when my used to be best friend was giving me a sacred spot session abused his rights as a practitioner…and my body flushed with anger and my body twisted and tensed and this voice came through “do you want to hang on to the anger”? The confusion in my body went from anger to sad to anger…and my body was both at one time…it was going through the process it needed to go through to get to it’s answer….and then the words “I forgive you” came in…yes…that is what I want… and then feeling it I wondered “how do we ever truly know we forgive”? It felt foreign in that moment..I couldn’t understand it. I asked the healer “how do we actually know we have forgiven”? He said “I don’t know”.

More nose blowing, eye wiping….I kept feeling into forgiveness….the desire for it for myself and everyone in my life…in that moment it felt like it got really close and then far away and then close again. I kept saying to each face that came up, “I forgive you”, especially to that last best friend experience…that left me so hurt and so in darkness after it happened…I had the most anger with him. I have only had one healing session with a man since then, as I’d stopped trusting men as healers and that was only in recent months. But I really got I hadn’t had anyone do any work with that experience…as I feared more abuse being put in…and I knew it was time and my spirit chose this man to hold space.

The healer had gone to my hands which brought up other emotions, to my feet and legs, which felt soothing. I eventually sat up and asked for his hands to be on the front and back of my heart. That is when my session was done. 40 minutes of pure tears, emotions, release…right before leaving to see my family…thank goodness..I needed that!

I was too wiped out to move after that, I laid down for 45 minutes integrating until my body started to have a “normal” thought pop in, then I realized I was done.

I drank so much water throughout the session and after…and I released a lot of fluid out my face…so I was replacing it all.
As the healer and I shared I said to him “a healer doesn’t need to do much for me to heal, if they know how to hold space and if I feel safe, my body just does all the work from the inside out. Thank you”. He said “may I quote you on that?”. We laughed, I believe he was a bit blown away as he was used to “doing” stuff for healing to happen and he just followed my direction the whole session and all came out.

It was the most powerful healing session I have had in years…and I am grateful for it.

The next day I felt like I’d been emptied out, I felt my power come back into my body that had been hibernating. Just in time! It has really supported me with my family and another situation. It is good to feel like me again…to have honored all those emotions and experiences and to release them all. To allow my heart freedom again and the heal and to honor myself in it’s healing process. I sometimes just can’t do it alone…and I’m grateful I didn’t. My heart feels more peaceful and at ease now…and I’m excited for my next session too!

MY CLIMACTIC ANNIVERSARY!

Today is my 2 year Anniversary of my Climax waking up!

This is my vulnerable story, the one that I wasn’t ready to share until now. In the past few years I so wanted to speak about it, and I just couldn’t…so here I am…sharing with you, as a woman, a person, a sister, a sex educator, a tantra educator, a Goddess, a Priestess, a Warrioress, a human, someone who has lived through a lot- a thriver, a lover, a healer and so much more!

On 2/2/2016 my life changed in a BIG way…a belief I had about my sex shifted and I was shown that it just wasn’t true and with that, my sex life with myself & with others completely changed!

I had a belief since I was 22 years old that “I didn’t work right, that I was broken”, as a girlfriend of mine said, when we were talking about, what does an orgasm feel like, “that isn’t an orgasm. I used to think that was it too, but it isn’t”. Well those words, that changed my sex life, right on the spot. I believed her. From that moment I felt broken and that no one would want me if I couldn’t orgasm….which started my fear and insecurity around my sex and having sex. I went from confident and assured in my sexuality, to fearful I wouldn’t matchup to those who could orgasm.

Well, on Feb 2, 2016 I was 6 months into a deep healing process, healing with a medicine my body asked for in order to heal PTSD, and it said “today, do it today”. I was feeling great and had no interest and it said “this is for you, time for you to be with you”. I really fought it at first and then I realized it is best to listen to my inner voice. So I did it.

Something happened night I could have never have dreamed of, but I had prayed, wish and desired for so many years I had forgotten to count. And something had been preparing me for this night for at least a week as I went to a Sex Conference and bought sex toys…I had never been a huge sex toy person, as I’d had bad experiences with them the first 2 times and gave up on them in my early 20’s. Well, this evening I found myself washing all the new ones and a few that I had, just in case I wanted to try again, I laid them out and created ceremony and went in!

I have to say…after doing some mirror work, my bed called me, so did my hands, my body, the toys, my breath, and so my journey began. Saving you all the details, that night I went from feeling broken, filled with shame and embarrassment over my lack of being able to climax, to in one night of having hundreds…sometimes my finger would just hover above my clit and the climaxes would just come, over and over again, seconds apart from each other. I was sweaty, my bed was drenched and worn out and still I had to see if my body would do it again, and again. It did, from every orifice from my body! One, then another, then blended and then…oh my, I lost count and track of anything and everything. My whole body woke up with my clit, my climax and I was blown away! Everything I believed was gone…my body showed me…it just wasn’t true!

All the shame and embarrassment I’d been sitting with the 14 years before, being a Tantra Educator and not being able to climax, my dirty little secret, the hiding it…it was time to let it all go. I was in shock and thrilled beyond belief.…I wanted to scream it at the top of the roof that I wasn’t broken, that I worked and I could climax! This not being able to climax, ran my life…I stopped having sex, heaven forbid anyone ever found out that a Tantra Educator couldn’t climax, except for with an external vibrator or maybe from time to time on a rare occasion with a partner. To now know “I worked”, “I wasn’t broken”, I hadn’t felt that in 24 years…it has been living me and now I had no use for it….I felt free!

I woke up the next morning fearful it was just the medicine…it was not…I still “worked”, I had 3 easy climaxes in less then 5 minutes. WOW! And then 3 days later to find out I could have a 20 minute climax blended orgasm just by rubbing on my dates leg…well, that was huge for me, I’d never had that happen before…but then to Om three days after that and the climaxes kept coming…sometimes 5+ in one 15 minute period of time. To climax this easy with another person…when most of my life I barely did it at all, I could breathe, it felt like freedom and I was flying high on it. It was as if I had been holding my breath all my life and the oxygen had been put back into my lungs!

I felt that night by body was making up for all the climaxes I didn’t have in my life, and the next day, the next month in my next journey and then my body balanced out, it is as if my body needed to catch up…and then it became “normal” and I didn’t need to do hundreds of climaxes in one night, though that was the most powerful thing I had ever felt in my body to this day!

The amazing thing is that my body could do full body orgasms, anal orgasms and vaginal orgasms, but not climaxes before that night with my own hands and with partners…and I felt I still couldn’t let anyone know and be at peace with this…this was my “dirty little secret”. It kept me out of relationship for years. I also felt when I was in relationship that he may leave me for a woman who “worked right”…who climaxed, back then I called it orgasm. It brought in a lot of insecurity, even though all my partners were completely dedicated, loved and adored me and loved pleasuring me. Though one boyfriend had a challenging time with it, his ego was hurt by it, “why couldn’t I come with him?”…which caused me more pain…but it wasn’t him…my body just wasn’t ready yet. And so it waited til it was! And what a day, month and year that was! One of the biggest blessings of my life…though truth be told, after 3 months I wondered what the stress was all about…as a climax was just this explosive thing in a very focused area of my body between my legs, whereas orgasm was in my whole body, which I’d been experiencing for yeard, and I’d already been having vaginal orgasms for 16 years at that point…but it brought peace to me, and that I am grateful for.

I then after that night I had to get rid of the habit of the shame and embarrassment and fear of “what if” I didn’t climax….a word I NEVER used before that night and that was the night I realized the difference between orgasm and climax…and they will never be the same for me. And I’m thrilled to be still opening and healing the mental part of this all…especially being in the sex industry…but my work completely changed after that…it went into pleasure and teaching women how to self pleasure and open to more pleasure with themselves and a partner, something I was scared of talking about before, fearful I’d be “found out”, possibly be seen as a fraud, as that is how I felt, as I somehow equated if I could climax, I was a real sex educator, which so isn’t true I see now…and now, pleasure is my life’s work, which consists of healing, feeling, connecting in, self love, allowing for the erotic to live  and breathe in us, communication and so much more!

What was wild was the woman who told me that “that isn’t an orgasm”, I went to her after my awakening and told her about it…and she said “Wow, that is exactly how I feel about my body and myself. Please help heal me”? I felt the pain in her and I got how she transferred her pain to me, and I had accepted it, in all my innocence, not knowing any difference.

I have learned a lot about my body, my climax, my clit even more deeply-what she wants and needs, how to feel her better and listen to her, how she works, the energy I’m holding or if I am with a partner, the energy they are holding with her. She is not goal oriented and if she is touched that way, well, she shuts down…though an open heart and a caring person to just be with her and listen to her…she is happy, connects and comes alive!

So I celebrate this day 2/2…which when I was young meant your pee pee..which I call my yoni now. I only put that together as a friend had called me that day and left a message saying “it’s two two” on my phone and it made so much sense my sex would open on this day! 

I understand the pain and frustration, of feeling broken, and so much around this…and I figure if I can shift it and break through to the other side, so can anyone…with all the sexual trauma of my past, starting at age 3 or 4 years old, ending in my 40’s, let me say, anything is possible! And I hold that for every person on this earth. Pleasure is our divine right, whether we climax or not…to just feel pleasure and allow and see what wants to birth out of us!

So today, 2 years after my waking up, on 2/2 I share this with you! It is vulnerable and exposing, and I know it is time to be seen, show myself and let you know of my journey and maybe, just maybe it will support yours as well!

Thank you for reading, big love to you!

If you want to comment please go to: https://www.facebook.com/heather.rhea.dawn

Embodying MY Divine Feminine 

These past few weeks have been powerful ones!  Around my birthday I always get a download on what my intention is for the up coming year…and this one is HUGE and challenging for me! One part of it to embody my Divine Feminine in all her power…something that is so very foreign to this tomboy that climbed trees higher than boys, ran faster than most, was trained to take care of myself and not rely up on a man. 

Well there is something deeply calling me…calling me to come back to the feminine, that side of me that is powerful…and yes soft…that side of me that I bury every time it wants to show up if I’m not in an intimate relationship…for being in my soft feminine feels like it is only safe when I’m in an intimate relationship. But now…now it wants to come alive, be held, be opened and be seen, even outside an intimate relationship…this is vulnerable it is challenging, it goes against everything I have been trained growing up. And there are a few parts to it…I want a man to be there as my rock, I want to be “taken care” of in ways that men can take care of women. It’s not that I can’t…it’s that I don’t want to do everything any longer and I'm learning that it feeds men to do things for us, they love it…and then whether it be partnership with amazing powerful women where we work together, support and grow together…or take days to do creative work together, bask in the glow of my own flow and divinity, and be in a relationship that really serves me, lifts me up, holds me and supports me in my work….the things I have always done in my relationships but have never allowed myself to fully receive that back. 

Now it’s time for me to learn this. And even though it’s only a few weeks into this intention, and at the beginning I was really resistant when talking to some of my men friends about what they love about real “feminine” women, which is the opposite of everything I am….though I realize I am finding “MY” feminine. It doesn’t have to look “that way”, it can look my way. And the truth is….even just 2 weeks into this I FEEL amazing!

Something is transforming and alive in me that I’ve never felt. I’m at peace, I am taking my time, I am relaxing, I am no longer upset when people are late…or better yet…when I’m LATE…heaven forbid. I actually told a friend the other day “I’m running 30 minutes late” as I knew I wanted more time in nature…something I’d never do before, and it felt amazing to be true to my flow, to be true to my feminine essence…and to be well received in that. I am loving finding the balance of being able to be on time, and when it’s perfect to be in my nature movement of space and time!

I don’t know how this year will shift and change me…show me who I am in my feminine…but I know this…so far I have been in more connection, more women are in my life, deeper conversations that I love, are happening in my life, I’m not caring so much of what people think of me. My creative side is craving to be activated…singing, dancing, listening to music, sewing, dying clothes, making DVD’s and even being still…yes the creativity of stillness! I am back reading again, something I haven’t done in over a year. That feels so filling to my heart…as it used to be a daily thing for me…Now I have space inside…space to read, space to give more, space to be present for others, all because I’m giving space to me…I’m receiving that space…being in my feminine I am receiving even that which I cannot see..but I can feel…and that in and of it’s self is wondrous! Turning on the Receiving button within me…what a joyous thing to celebrate…now to practice it more and more…as I am not fully comfortable in it yet. But like everything…it is a practice and now I am ready to practice!

The fear of being me is slowly leaving…and that is amazing…and funny enough I feel some fear is writing that…but it is my truth. I am unwinding something deep within me that has needed to unraveled…and I am excited about it. 

I am grateful for the male friends in my life that have given me insight of what they love in a feminine woman…it has really opened something in me…it is showing me what men in their masculine is really wanting….and though I have no interest in changing me to fit into that box…I have an interest in finding my own feminine, within my power…to graciously receive what the masculine, as well as the feminine and the Universe and nature wants to give so beautifully. Letting it all in abundantly and in my own flow. It feels like it’s a “getting to know” my feminine me…who is that and what does she want and how does she want to be. It is coming from inside me, and flowing outward. Even though I’ve been given information from outside, really my work is shifting me on the inside. For example…I was walking on the beach the other day, I was all flowy and soft and then something inside me said “I want to walk more quickly and fiercely”…I had a judgement it was masculine…but I found my feminine in that and it was a balance I hadn’t really consciously looked at before that turned out to be quite perfect!

So….I am blossoming into the feminine that is me, finding balance and flow, accepting and loving me and all my energies as I move through this powerful and yet vulnerable time. Look out for some new Live videos on here soon…as it is time to start going in that direction. Bliss and love!

Time to Embody, Feel & Move It Out, Instead of Think It Out….

I woke up the other morning feeling a bit heavy in the head…much was going on for me…I felt like I had a lot to think about and talk about. And instead of writing, instead of thinking of “how I’d say this”. I paused, I went down to the ground…I felt. I dropped into the heart of the feeling…that pressure the lay heavy in my chest just waiting to be listened to, heard, felt and wanting to see if I’d just be with it. I just paused….all the energy drained out of my head and into my chest, into the feeling of this pressure, this heaviness…it spoke “yes, feel me, feel this…no need to think it, feel it”…so I just stayed there being with every single sensation, feeling almost immediately the pressure being off of me, as all it wanted was my attention…the answer isn’t in “speaking to someone” the answer lies “inside me”. There is no “out there”, there is only “this moment, this feeling”…so I sat with it, moved with it, felt it, allowed it to move through me. I finally stood up to have my friend walk in and ask “are you ok” and that is when a few tears came to the surface…those 3 so precious words of care and love that touch so deeply….  I felt so cared for not only by myself for listening, but by my friend. The pressure that I felt only 20  or less minutes before had left and caused space for him to ask…and love is all that was pouring in. 

It’s time to feel…embody all that we feel, sense, and move with that…I remember as a child I danced 3-5 hours everyday…except when I was hiking. And when I got into my 20’s I remember dancing and looking up into the mirror at one point and paused….what I saw was exquisite…something I’d never seen…it was anger….I was dancing anger….this is one powerful emotion that causes change in us like no other…it is a tool…I remember getting really close to my face and seeing it ooze out of each pore and how amazing it was…I didn’t fear it, I was getting to know it…it was my friend, it was everything I needed to be and feel in that moment and it wasn’t hurting anyone…including me…as it was dancing out of my body…a body that no longer had 3-5 hours to move each day and it was upset about it and needed to speak to me….so I continued it’s dance…the sweat flying, the power of it releasing through my cells until peace was there…that was my first time meeting my anger…what a beautiful experience. 

If we all just moved with all of our emotions…what a wondrous world this would be…let them out, set them free…let them be felt and heard and seen..no need to yell at anyone…most of the time…we are screaming to be heard, most TO HEAR OURSELF…FEEL OURSELF, BE WITH OURSELF. As really, this is who we most need to be heard by and honored by. So listen to your heart, your emotions, be with them…love them, dance with them…let them out, let them be free…let them be lived through the sound of your body moving and sounds of your voice…in nature, alone in your room…anywhere you can move…in a bathroom stall…just feel and be and move it all out…and if you can make sound…I prefer gibberish…let it be heard by you..felt and sounded to be released, honored and enjoyed…as the emptying of this all leave space for joy, love, peace, relief, release…passions to take flight…ideas to come to fruition…plant that seed by feeling it all first…and then letting it all sprout forth!

Dance, feel, move and be with it all….let your emotions free, let them be danced out!

She Comes First- Healthy Outlook on Sex & Touch

I walked into the library to pick up a book “She Come First”, a book I have been recommending to clients, friends and intimates…but I realize it was time to read it. I get to the counter and the woman looks at me, I tell her I have a book on hold, she seems like she is having problems walking over to get the book. She takes a look at the title, and she pauses, she turns it cover side down, she doesn’t look at me at all. It is as if I feel shame or some kind of intense emotion coming from her as she slides it across the counter to me…no words, no looking up…almost like “don’t remind me of this”. 

It made me think…if we all had a healthy sex life with ourselves and with another or others, if we gauged sex as healthy, normal, a way of being healthy in the world…whether you are poly or monogamous…just that sex is healthy, safe, honoring, enjoyable, blissful, opening, healing, ecstatic, joyous and a celebration of life to share with ourself and another being…and if sex didn’t have to be a scary place of pain and violence, but a place to be held, loved, adored, stroked sweetly, or with consent more aggressively, nourishing, uplifting, connected with no negative aggression or being treated like a piece of meat or a thing or a hole to be used and thrown away afterward…if we were to all…men and women alike, honored each other, cherished each other…saw and felt sex as a whole world of healthy, safe and loving…how different this world would be. 

Would people have as many health problems, would we have the obesity levels that we do, the anger at the opposite sex, which makes it hard to be intimate with them…if that is your sex of choice to be with sexually, would we have so much anxiety, shoving down emotions when it comes to intimacy, would we have so much PTSD from rape and sexual violence…I think our world would be a different place if we were raised that sex is good, healthy, loving, honoring, an thing to be cherished…even if were amongst friends, lovers, partners. We might even have sex in marriages years into in a healthy form as then we could talk about more of what our wants and desires are…have fantasies come true, expand in our communication about our needs and desires. Instead of the fear that “if I enjoy this I’m bad”, “if I ask for what I want he will think”…. “If I really let go she might…”, “if I tell her/him I have this fantasy, it might mean….”….fear kills sex, feeling unsafe kills sex, love, intimacy.

I’d love to see a world that sees sex as healthy, even if that means only with ourselves. I was raised to believe the self pleasuring was bad…it took me years to unwind that…and it’s one of the things I love to teach now as of how many obstacles that were in my way. And I am still working through stuff around sex and sexuality, I don’t know many that don’t have something to work on around this topic of sex. 

When has all touch become sexual. This is why I love facilitating cuddling or conscious touch classes or massage classes….as not all touch is sexual. 

I know when I came to LA and started doing massage, how many men only got touched when they had sex, so they thought if I was going to massage them it was going to be sexual…I had to teach them…touch is touch, it can be sensual, it can be therapeutic, and both, and it doesn’t have to lead to anything, touch is just touch. It is what both people want to do with it is what we make of it…but both have to be on board.

I recently have had a beautiful encounter with a lovely being that all we did was caress, and touch, and enjoy the movement and caresses and the rolling around of each others bodies…it was some beautiful sexual play without the sex or intercourse…but it was very much intimate and like making love…without the penetration.

I dream of a day that touch and sex are seen as two different things and that sex is uplifted, honored and cherished in a loving way and that all beings are honored for being who they are around sex…even if that means A sexual. I pray for the day that people see sex as healthy, sacred, fun, playful, loving, expansive, intimate…and to unite in it only when both parties, or more, are a HELL YES! And I dream of seeing how having a healthy outlook on life will make us all healthier in our lives, bodies and thoughts.